Today, dear reader you get a special treat, no not the NFL Draft, but a second column from me this week, because, well I hate the NFL Draft, in fact I hate it so much I forgot it was today and went with my Soccer article yesterday, so my early onset of Alzheimer’s is your treasure because you get an extra day of me (aren’t you so lucky).
The NFL Draft is a dog and pony show hyped up by the NFL because god forbid we go a month or two without thinking about football (the real kind not that shit they play in Europe), what it amounts to is billionaires playing their version of fantasy football and they televise it for the masses to watch because we’re all fucking morons (usually I’m included in this but not tonight fuckers, Caps vs Rangers is on at 7:30 and I’m watching that #BecauseItsTheCup)
As usual in the words of ESPN’s Keith Olbermann, “don’t take this completely seriously, I don’t mean it completely literally” but here are the 13 reasons why I hate The NFL Draft.
1. Overhyped: The NFL Draft might just be the most overhyped thing in American sports. The NBA draft is something to get excited for, you have a top three pick and the right player is there for you, your team could be a contender the next season, not so much in the NFL. I’m sure some dipshit Colts fan is saying “Nu-uh, Andrew Luck!” To this dickhead I say, “Go fuck yourself, your team threw the 2011 season since Manning was hurt so you could draft Luck. Your owner is drunk driving dipshit and his father was a back stabbing crook who betrayed Baltimore.” The 2011 Colts were a sham and are the only argument for a draft lottery in the NFL.
2. No Longer Just a Weekend: There was a time when the NFL Draft was just Saturday and Sunday and it was a tidy package, but now everything the NFL does has to be a fucking event. The season starts the Thursday before with the Super Bowl Champs and it carries through the whole weekend and now so does the draft. The first round, the easiest fucking round and quickest, is now on Thursday. I got shit to do on weeknights, little league, helping the kids with homework, making dinner, watching the Stanley Cup Playoffs, I don’t need to add the fucking draft to that. Carving out just a lazy Saturday and Sunday was fine by me, and when I say Sunday I mean I’m not watching the draft because who gives a shit about those later rounds, if those chumps make the team at best they’re practice squad scrubs.
3. Countless Mock Drafts: In the infancy of draft we had Mel Kiper Jr. who did a couple of mock drafts leading up to the draft. Now there are guys like Mike Mayock, as well as other analysts who do their mock drafts and don’t get me started on all the fucking bloggers out there. And they don’t just start their mock drafts a month or two before the actual draft, no these fuckers are making them in September, when the season has begun, before we know where teams will finish, or who will declare, seriously how the fuck do you think you’re going to make an accurate prediction. All these mock drafts are pointless and dumb and the only ones that are remotely accurate are the ones done just leading up to the draft.
4. Jets fans: Holy fucking shit do these dipshits annoy the piss out of me. Just hearing J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS! At the start of the draft is so fucking annoying and insane and is probably why this year’s draft isn’t at Radio City Music Hall.
5. The Draft on Tour: What the fuck is this shit? It’s bad enough that the draft has been extended from just the weekend and now it’s going on tour like some sort of rock band? And not a good rock band like…I don’t fucking know, whatever the kids are listening to these days. No, the NFL Draft going on tour is like the fucking Rolling Stones, once a proud band, not a sad, laughable shell of once was. Dammit Jets’ fans, you know this is your fault, right?
6. Bears Fans: We’ve now traded annoying J-E-T-S chants for “Cutler Sucks” chants. Again, thanks Jets’ fans.
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7. Eagles Fans: There is no pleasing these assholes. No matter who the Eagles draft their fans who are in attendance (and they’ll be there) will boo and they’ll boo anyone the NFC East teams draft. Fuck them.
8. Roger Goodell: I seriously hate seeing and hearing this asshole. He’s the worst. It’s taken guys like Bud Sielig, Gary Bateman, and David Stern their entire careers to make us hate them, but not Goodell, it took him one season and every season since the Ginger Hammer took over we’ve all hated him even more. His backtracking, inconsistent punishments and the fact that initially knocking your fiancé out in an elevator was less of an offense then weed.
9. #1 Pick: The number one overall pick will more than likely be Jameis Winston, I’m not going to debate whether or not he sexually assaulted a girl while a teammate watched, that’s old, never legally proven and too dark for a light hearted column, however we do know he stole three pounds of crab legs (seriously who the fuck does that) and got up on a table at campus and yelled “Fuck her right in the pussy”, again, who the fuck does that? Is he retarded and if so, did the Bucs not see Tropic Thunder, “…you never go full retard”.
There are serious maturity issues with Winston, enough to where if I’m the Bucs I trade out of the #1 spot for a king’s ransom in draft picks, but they won’t. They’ll take him and this knuckle will head will be the darling of the league, never mind the alleged sexual assault, the stealing, and the straight up buffoonery of the sexually misogynistic quote, I mean it’s not like the NFL had an entire season overshadowed by abuse against women and children.
The NFL (along with their good buddy ESPN) has pretty much swept all of Winston’s character flaws under the rug. Granted he’s young and has an opportunity to turn his shit around, but fuck man, that is putting a lot of faith in a guy who hasn’t shown he’s matured at all. This is a lot to be wagering your entire franchise on.
[in-ept, ih-nept]
10. Speaking of Fucking up the Draft: My team, the Washington Redskins, are the definition of the word inept when it comes to drafting players (go ahead grab your Webster’s, like you know what the fuck I’m talking about, and you’ll see “Washington Redskins” as one of the definitions and a picture of Dan Snyder’s stupid fucking face, fuck him).
Holy shit, you could blindly throw darts at a wall of names and come out with a better draft board than the Redskins have had over the past fifteen years. In fact of the last fifteen years only six (maybe) Redskins have had an impact on the team let alone the league.
Off the top of my head (because fuck it I’m not going back to look this shit up) over the last fifteen years the only names of note from the Skins’ drafts are Champ Bailey (maybe our best draft choice since Darrell Green who we later traded for Clinton Portis, FUCK), Chris Cooley, Sean Taylor, Trent Williams, and Ryan Kerrigan. That’s it, in 15 years that’s all I can come up with.
Also we passed on Aaron Rodger (when we fucking needed a quarterback) for Carlos “I’ll wait till I leave DC to get an eye exam and find out I need contacts” Rogers instead. I have never yelled at my television during the draft, but that shit blew my fucking mind. Fuck you Dan Snyder and Vinny Cerrato, I hope you both burn in hell.
11. There are no Exciting Trades: The NFL is the absolute worst when it comes to trades (except for Chip Kelly, shit we need more guys like him in the league to shake things up). In the NHL, MLB, and NBA we are always treated several blockbuster trades a year, whether it’s during the off-season or right before the trade deadline (god I love the trade deadline in those sports, it’s like fucking Christmas if your team is a contender), but not the NFL, no this league is too stuffy for that shit.
At least there was a time when on draft day there would be so much shuffling we’d see picks getting traded all of the time because coaches were like “fuck these college kids I need veterans” (that was mostly George Allen) and then the league shifted from trading picks for players to trading picks for picks, that shit was always a blast. Seeing ESPN’s draft board get all jumbled as teams moved back, moved forward, got multiple picks, not to mention watching Mel Kiper Jr lose his fucking mind as his latest mock draft went out the fucking window (my favorite part of draft day).
Sadly that shit doesn’t even happen anymore. GM’s are so worried about fucking up the draft (because that shit will get you fired in a heartbeat) they don’t want to move around anymore, they’re happy just to take the best player available like that guy in you fantasy league who knows dick about football and is only there because you needed one more body to have an even number of teams (also of note this fucker usually finishes in the top 3 of the league, I hate this guy, that’s right Frank, I’m talking about you, go fuck yourself).
It seems now that every year you hear about teams in the top five wanting to trade back in the draft, but no one (except for dipshits like the Skins, Jets, Browns, and Raiders, if they’re not already in the top five) are willing to trade up. Why, because if you miss in the top five you are fucked (especially if you traded to get up there) if you miss in the bottom ten it’s a little easier to sell it to you owner and fans.
However, readers, here’s a tip from me for you to watch for tonight, and as far as I know I’m the only one reporting this so you know its deep insider information. Watch for the Chargers to move Rivers tonight to draft Mariota. The three landing spots for him, Titans, Redskins, or Jets. If this happens expect an article tomorrow from me telling you how fucking great I am (but you already knew that, didn’t you).
12. ESPN & NFL Network: Holy shit are these two networks fucking terrible. Seriously, ex-players do not make good analysts. Some may sound smart, but give your average 6th grader two months to read up on football and you’ll get a better TV personality, the exception being Dion Sanders, fuck did I hate him as a player but damn if he’s not entertaining on TV.
Of the cavalcade of derps who will be on the air tonight the only person I’d care to listen to is Rich Eisen, everyone else can go fuck themselves. The worst, is either Michael Irving (because he’s just the worst) or Jon Gruden.
Gruden just offends every one of my senses, from his look (sight) to his loud obnoxious voice and his over use of clichéd buzz words (hearing), I can’t eat while he’s on because food just tastes terrible while he’s talking (taste), because he gets so fucking excited (especially when talking about QBs) he probably sweats a shit ton so he probably stinks (smell), there is one last sense, touch, and I’m sure if I tried really hard I could make something up for that one as well, but as you’ve probably learned by now, trying isn’t something I like to do, and lastly Mike Ditka (I see dead people, he’s a ghost right?).
13. No Sexy Picks This Year: One thing the draft needs is a sexy pick or two, players that will keep us all guessing at who might go number one overall that way we can all point and laugh at the team with the number one pick when they select the shittier player and the team at number two turns their franchise around. This doesn’t happen that much in football, but fuck if it doesn’t seem to happen in the NBA every other year (Greg Oden anyone?), it’s the best because it usually means a GM and Coaching staff are getting shit canned the following January, and nothing makes me feel better than other people’s suffering.
The best we have is Winston this year and by no means is he a sexy pick who will turn the Bucs around. And before you bring up all his “comebacks” last season, those were all his doing by playing so fucking terrible in the first half (seriously how did this not hurt his draft stock) and the only reason why he was able to make those comebacks is because he was playing against really shitty teams. As soon as FSU played a good team like Oregon in the Playoffs (thank god for the College Football Playoffs) they got the shit kicked out of them and I smiled.
With no sexy picks in the draft every team is just going to fill holes (that’s what she said) and tonight will be excruciatingly boring, thank god for the Stanley Cup Playoffs airing tonight.
So that’s it, that’s why I hate the NFL Draft, you can disagree with me all you want but I you’re wrong and I hate you. However, if you’d like to know more about me, and why wouldn’t you, you can follow me on the Twitter @jomac006 or learn about my awesome writing career here https://www.facebook.com/fjoshuamccain?ref=hl , or if you’re a fine lady you should swipe right on Tinder.
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