Queue up the Elton John because the bitch is back. I’d give you excuses for my extended absence like first time home buying, but let’s be honest, you don’t give a shit, you’re just here for the football and my liberal use of the word fuck. So let’s get into what’s pissing me off with the NFL today.
We’ve reached that oh so lovely time of year where the weather outside is colder than my frozen heart and the football season is at an end. Before you go pulling a Rhonda Rousey and telling your social media followers how much you want to kill yourself, take heart, March Madness, NBA playoffs, and NFL draft day are approaching. In the meantime, we’re left with a few entertaining options to get our football fix in.
We can talk about how much our team is going to turn themselves around and win the big game this upcoming season. We can talk about what the early team rankings are. Off-season signings, coach replacements, and contract negotiations are underway. I mean, that “nobody” quarterback my squad got from the San Francisco 49ers looks so promising! Who the fuck names their kid McLeod? I never even heard of McLeod Bethel-Thompson before I saw the news of his signing with the Philadelphia Eagles.
According to the ever informative Wikipedia, this kid has been cut more times than the wrist of your emo friend. I can’t even really call him a kid, he was born in the same decade as hair metal and entered the NFL draft in 2010, and just like a broken condom baby, no one wanted him. He ended up playing the Arena League. Since then he’s been cut, not once, not twice, but three times by San Francisco, twice by the Minnesota Vikings, and once by the Miami Dolphins and New England Patriots. I’m sure this is just a third string give a guy a chance practice squad pick-up but the fact of the matter is, when there’s no football games on, this is the kind of fucking worthless shit I have to see posted about a hundred times and look here I am adding to it, make it a hundred and one. Reason number one why the off-season pisses me off, we talk about these stupid signings that really don’t mean shit because there’s no way that the player will make the 53-man roster when it’s all said and done.
Contract negotiating is slightly more entertaining, we get to see 300-pound men whining like little bitches about the difference between fifteen million and twenty million then we cheer when we find out someone we were cursing about a few months ago for dropping passes gets to still play for our team for the foreseeable future.
We get to talk about who signed, who’s holding out, what is and isn’t official, and whatever Adam Schefter tweets is repeated as biblical truth over and over again.
Then we come to the second thing that really pisses me off about the off-season. Everyone and their brother (or sister, ’cause equal opportunity) are suddenly a sports journalist. Articles pop up on sites that were reputable during the season that fall back to the old journalistic standby of let’s make shit up and use the word MIGHT so everyone on social media repeats our fabricated rumors over and over again losing their fucking minds. You’ve seen these, the Eagles MIGHT be interested in RG3, the Cleveland Browns MIGHT draft Carson Wentz, the Tennesee Titans MIGHT trade the number one pick to the Dallas Cowboys, the Chicago Bears MIGHT franchise tag Alshon Jeffery, Terrell Owens MIGHT come out of retirement to prove why he belongs in the Hall of Fame, Riley Cooper MIGHT be reunited with Chip Kelly, Matt Forte MIGHT retire, I MIGHT start banging my head on the wall if I see another speculation story. All of those, well except the last one, are actual headlines I’ve seen and no, they were not on satire websites. Out of those rumors, I think only one MIGHT actually happen, the rest, made up hype or some dude (or chick) in his (or her) mom’s basement giving his (or her) own commentary. Yeah, you might be thinking, “but Kellie, you’re a sports writer, are you possibly doing this shit too, are you in actuality a fucking hypocrite?” I assure you, I am not. When I post my opinions, it’s quite obviously stated as opinion and just like that dick shaped “personal massage wand” sitting in my night stand, it is meant strictly for “novelty purposes only.” And for the record, last time I lived in my mom’s basement I was a teenager, which is the only time such living arrangements are socially acceptable.
And don’t get me started on mock drafts! Everyone, I mean EVERYONE has a mock draft posted online. I think even Snooki (that’s still a thing right?) has a mock draft online. There are a few mock drafts that are entertaining, but the majority are people making up ridiculous shit so their favorite team, who has a shitty draft pick because the writer likely is a bandwagon fan and only likes said team because they had a good record last year, will get the number one guy at whatever glamour position Ted from the mail room said they need to address in this year’s draft. Damn you Ted in the mail room, shut the fuck up and stop giving these guys bad ideas.
If you’re going to make a mock draft, I have some advice for you, first off is don’t do it unless it’s just for your own personal use, no one else cares. Second, look at salary cap and aging players. Look at the needs of the whole team, not just the quarter and cornerbacks. Look at free agent MIGHT stories that may actually have some credibility, same with franchise tag rumors, advice on that, if Adam Schefter didn’t tweet it, it’s probably not credible. From there, be creative but also realistic. No one wants to see the same exact shit five other guys already posted. I’m sure your friends, who will be the only ones that actually read it and only after you shove your phone in their face and watch their eyes to make sure they’re scrolling back and forth, will appreciate you having a fresh perspective. If you’re a hard-core football fan, mock drafting can be a lot of fun, as long as you’re not shoving it down people’s throats and forcing them to give an opinion. Personally, I only mock draft the first round, after that I get bored, if your mock draft isn’t a shit ton of research and work, you’re probably doing it all wrong or copying someone else.
Now we finally get to the number one thing that pisses me off during the football off-season, fucking Super Bowl flashback talk. We all saw the game, we don’t need to talk about it for the next six months. The only positive I’m taking away from this one is I get to write about how much I fucking despise Peyton Manning instead of how much I fucking despise Tom Brady.
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For anyone interested in my football history read this paragraph, if not, skip to the next one, I won’t get offended, promise. I’m the child of two Philly natives whose father took a job in Connecticut where I was raised although I did have a summer home on the Jersey shore which kept me close to my Philly grandparents and the culture of Philly, which includes the Eagles although due to location mostly the Patriots were on television. I watched games and loved my Eagles, but I was a casual fan of the game.
I’ve previously ranted about how my hate for Tom Brady started when he replaced Drew Bledsoe, who was my first ever football crush. Around this same time, I moved to Cleveland and started seeing a dude who got me into fantasy football. My love of fantasy football remains, the dude is history. Fantasy football opened the door for me to be a hard-core fan of the entire sport. I started researching who to start, who to sit, and all that good stuff and before you know it I was using the DVR to catch every televised game and watch Chris Berman. I fucking love Boomer, I wish everyone that commentated had his energy.
Anyway, so long story short, I got into the entertainment of football around the time Peyton Manning showed up. This is when we first started seeing the awesome charismatic mobile quarterbacks as well. My Eagles had Donovan McNabb, Michael Vick was starting to make headlines, and wow didn’t everyone adore how much fun Daunte Culpepper was with Randy Moss?
These guys were fun, they were explosive, they had a few weapons but mostly they got shit done based on their talent. They may not have finished their careers with the same records as Peyton Manning but they made football the entertaining and amazing sport that I love.
When we look at Peyton Manning, yeah, he’s got an arm, but holy fuck that’s kinda the prerequisite for being a quarterback. In his time playing for the Indianapolis Colts the years that Peyton enjoyed success were years that the team had a damn good offensive line. I know what you’re thinking, the offensive line can make or break any quarterback. This is true for the traditional pretty boy pocket passers, not as much true for the tough and mobile quarterbacks or the anti-Mannings. In the years that Peyton had a less than stellar line in Indy, his numbers kinda sucked. The years he did well ANY NFL quarterback could have thrown those touchdowns when given that kind of protection, hell, I could have performed with that line and I throw like a girl. Everyone praises Peyton as some kind of god among men but he’s really an average pocket passer that was lucky enough to have a team that protected him. If we look at the first three years of Peyton’s stint with the Denver Broncos, their line was rated number 1 and Manning had a passer rating over 100 each of those years. This current year, their offensive line fell apart and Manning put up the worst performance of his career. This is not the sign of a legendary quarterback, this is a guy that got lucky with a great supporting cast. I mean fuck, he didn’t even throw a touchdown in this most recent Super Bowl and everyone is still throwing the GOAT label around just like they were about Tom Brady last year.
Speaking of supporting cast, little brother Eli Manning knew that was the secret to Peyton’s success and that’s why he cried like a little bitch when the San Diego Chargers attempted to draft him with their number one pick. I’m sure this was something Archie Manning was involved in. I can see that asshole telling his baby boy not to let the bad team with no offensive line to speak of take him away to go get hurt. I’d say he was trying to protect his face, but it’s already so ugly getting sacked a few extra times might have improved his look. I fucking hate the entire Manning family, I even hate the disabled brother that can’t play football. I hope a meteor strikes them on Christmas day and wipes them out before they continue to breed.
Let’s talk about Peyton’s post season history. Peyton has made it to the post-season 15 times. In those 15 times, he was a one game loser 9 times. Sounds like a bigger choke artist than David Carradine (much like David Carradine, I find that autoerotic asphyxiation jokes will never get old so pardon me if this is recycled humor and much like Peyton Manning my jokes can be a little outdated and past their prime). In his first Super Bowl victory, that particular off-season Peyton threw 7 interceptions versus 3 touchdowns, sounds like a real winner to me. Let’s also not forget the epic embarrassment that was the Denver Broncos loss to the Seattle Seahawks in the 2013 season, worst Super Bowl ever! I think even Seattle fans got bored, but hey, they have a short attention span.
That brings us to this year, Peyton barely participated in the victory over Cam Newton and his Carolina Panthers. We all know the real star of that game was the D and Cam also deciding not to show up. I like Cam Newton, he reminds me a bit of those old school fun quarterbacks I enjoyed watching when I first got into football. I don’t give a shit if he wins, but if my team isn’t playing I enjoy watching his antics on the field and yes, even the dab. Cam Newton is everything Peyton Manning is not. Cam is a fun character, sure he’s arrogant but he has every right to be and it’s a contagious, charismatic arrogant, he’s entertaining his fans, giving back to the kids in the stands, talking smack, and enjoying life. Peyton, on the other hand, seems to have this permanent scowl, doesn’t enjoy anything besides chicken parm (you taste so good, admit it, you sang that shit), interacts with the fans by yelling Omaha whatever the fuck that means, and otherwise being a smug little douche with a stupid voice. If I had a dick that wasn’t made of plastic, I’d tie his ass to a chair and smack him in the face with it repeatedly.
I also want to know what happened to the HGH allegations that were flying around. I don’t doubt for a second that Manning had substances banned by the NFL to help his recovery, the problem here is proof. I hope someone out there is finding it. I certainly won’t just take his word for it. I hope he goes down harder than Lance Armstrong for that shit. I get so pissed off about Peyton Manning in that last sentence was a perfect set up for an oral sex analogy and I missed it talking about a forgotten and shamed bicyclist. I fucking hate cheating athletes.
We also have the sexual assault allegations. This shit was super hushed up at the time but just like your cross-dressing cousin, it’s finally coming out. If you haven’t heard, back in college, Peyton shoved his ass and balls in a lady trainer’s face. He claims he was “mooning a teammate” but seriously? Why would the trainer make this shit up? On a college campus a star quarterback really can do no wrong and by trying to bring it to light, she knew she would be facing an uphill battle. She knew that the school, scumbag Archie Manning, the coaches and everyone else would do everything they could to keep the reputation of their golden child untarnished. This woman risked her career by coming forward to seek justice for this act of perversion committed by Peyton.
I wouldn’t be surprised if instead of retiring Peyton signs with the Jets and gets busted for sending pictures of his shriveled up little dick to sideline reporters.
Hmm, I have an idea for another article… Peyton Manning MIGHT sign with the Jets! Spread that one around, it has to be true, I’m a sports writer.
So to sum up, please, please stop praising Peyton Manning, we get it, he won the Super Bowl even though he played like a second string piece of shit. While you’re at it, stop spreading around stupid rumors that don’t even make sense with regards to speculating what could happen before the start of next season. Finally, please stop making a big deal out of guys that are going to be practice squad members at best. Live in the now, root for your basketball team of choice whether it be college or pro. I for one am moving on until the next thing that gets my blood boiling. On that note…. GO HUSKIES!!!!
To see my more professional side, check out my latest interview with upcoming draft prospect Jonte Berry on thasportjunkies101.com.
Comments, compliments, or criticisms hit my ass up on Twitter @kellieruttar or Facebook Kellie Ruttar TSJ101.
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