The NBA Playoffs are in full swing and as you may know if you read my previous article I’m not a fan of them. However, one thing the NBA Playoffs have always allowed me to do was to find a team and hate them more than any other team in the playoffs. Sure, I could find some scrappy underdog to cheer for but where is the fun in that? No, no, no dear reader, it is so much more fun to hate a team rather than to root for one. This year’s team, The Cleveland Cavilers. Sure, I could write an article about why I hate them, and I almost did, but then I thought about the last few years and the teams I rooted against, 2014 The Heat, 2013 The Heat, 2012 The Heat, 2011 The Heat, 2010 The Cavs, 2009 The Cavs, I think we’re starting to see a trend here, I don’t really hate the Cavs (well I kind of do), I hate LeBron James. So in the words of ESPN’s Keith Olbermann, “don’t take this completely seriously, I don’t mean it completely literally” but here are the seven reasons Why I Hate LeBron James.
1. Proclaimed “The King” before his first NBA game: Dear reader, I get marketing campaigns I really do. Marketing is what made Michael Jordan, MICHAEL JORDAN before the championships and MVP and why people today still say “BO Knows” even if they weren’t alive to see Bo Jackson murder tacklers who tried to bring him down, however, the marketing for these players came after they started making waves in the pros. Also, my two examples were extraordinary college athletes in their own right; LeBron was literally a kid coming out of high school. Granted I can’t hate him for Nike telling me to “Bare Witness”, oh wait, I sure as hell can because even though it wasn’t LeBron coming up with the marketing, he embraced it in the most douche way possible.
2. NBA Fixing the Lottery to send him to Cleveland: If there is one thing that drives me nuts about the NBA more than anything it’s the Lottery Draft. I get the idea behind it, it theoretically prevents bad teams from tanking in order to get the first pick (I’m looking at you Indianapolis Colts, there is no fucking way you were that bad without Manning and then good again with Luck, fuck you), but Jim Irsay aside, teams tanking for a player in any sport is low, however, what doesn’t seem to be low is the NBA fixing the draft. The bent envelope to send Patrick Ewing to the Knicks, Jordan’s first year with the Wizards they get the first pick so Jordan could get Kwame Brown (God Jordan sucks at evaluating talent) and then again when LeBron was coming out of high school Cleveland just happens to get the number one overall pick, also swinging back to the Wizards, right after Abe Polland dies they get the number on pick again (thank god John Wall is good). This is more than coincidences, Cleveland lucked out on this just so the NBA could do a “local boy saves franchise and wins Cleveland a title”. But that didn’t happen, did it.
3. The Decision: By the time LeBron became a free agent he was already a polarizing figure, you either loved him or you hated him. Cleveland fans loved him, obviously, because he was their star. It’s amazing how much bullshit you’ll overlook for a player winning your team games, and then there were the Cleveland bandwagon fans who loved him because he was the best player in the NBA (hey, a hater can recognize greatness, I just don’t have to like it), then there was the rest of us. We either hated him because he would destroy our teams (mostly East fans) or because he was kind of a d-bag (the rest of us).
Then came “The Decision”. Now if you didn’t think LeBron was a complete douche before this you probably jumped over to my ship right about the time he said “I’ll be taking my talents to South Beach.” That is unless you’re an unapologetic brandwagoner or a Heat fan (which there aren’t any, so reinsert Bandwagon). Here is how free agency is supposed to work. NBA insiders go on ESPN and say “My sources tell me that X player is going to X team,” and an hour later that gets confirmed and the next day we get a press conference. Not LeBron, no, he has to feel special, he has to surround himself with innocent little children from the Boys and Girls Club (why? I have no fucking clue, but now these kids’ souls are tainted, thanks Obama) and ESPN cameras to basically say “Fuck you Cleveland.” I will say, I’m on board with that last part.
4.Terrible Samsung Commercials: Well after the decision LeBron’s image took a hit. People began to realize what I already knew, that he was a self-centered prick. Was Nike going to help reshape his image? Fuck no, they still had Jordan and in spite of him being retired for over a decade they were still selling his shoes like he was winning titles for the Bulls, so Nike was like “fuck it, we’ll sell LeBron shoes to Heat and Bandwagon fans and Jordans to everyone else.” Was Power-Aide going to do it? No, because in spite of having the best basketball player of this generation on their payroll they’re still behind Gatorade and every energy drink on the market in sales, I doubt they have the budget anymore to make commercials (seriously, when was the last time you saw one?).
In step Samsung, because when I think of a company who will change the image of a pariah NBA star it’s a Korean electronics company. Their ads tried to show LeBron being just like you and I, except for his giant house and all the hangers-on just wanting a piece of LeBron magic. Nike did the same thing with Jordan except to make him a man of the people they showed him on dirty blacktops playing ball with kids, in a shitty gym practicing wearing the best neon shorts the 90’s could buy. Not LeBron, he’s at his mansion playing in the pool, or sitting around with is 900 dollar Galaxy Note (which he got for free, fuck that guy) doodling notes. I’m not sure what Koreans think about us, but I guess when you’re neighboring country is ruled by a complete nut job, you probably have a warped sense of what the average American’s life is like.
5. Going Back to Cleveland: So after dumping Cleveland on national television surrounded by children (seriously, why in the blue hell did he surround himself with kids? Is this the real world equivalent of dumping someone in a public place so they don’t flip their shit on you?) and going to Miami in the prime of his career he heads back to Cleveland and like any weak willed person who has been mentally abused by a dip shit spouse, Cleveland welcomes him back with open arms and of course this shot LeBron back to the top of jersey sales because every fucktard in Cleveland (sic) everyone in Cleveland burned their hundred dollar LeBron jerseys when he left for Miami. I get the joy of grabbing the best athlete in the league but come on Cleveland, you talked so much shit when he left, your owner, Dan Gilbert, laughably, said that the Cavs would win a title before the Heat, how’d that turn out Dan? Then, arrogantly, he says LeBron would never be welcomed back. Oh Gilbert, you remind me of another Jack-Ass owner from the NFL named Dan.
6. His Own Sprite Flavor: Fuck you Coca-Cola and LeBron, Sprite has one flavor, lemon and lime, not all this other bull shit like orange and cherry. Fuck you. If I didn’t hate you before I would have after this. Don’t fuck with my go to soda at the movie theater.
7. He’s Not on My Team: I’ll admit, I’m a bit jealous LeBron doesn’t play for my team, and since he doesn’t beat his kids or punch women out in elevators I would gladly welcome him to Washington with open arms, fuck I’d welcome a broken down past his prime LeBron (kind of like what we did with Jordan). It’s amazing what a change of venue can do for your perspective on a player. Does saying all this make me a hypocrite? Probably, but that’s what sports is all about, you talk a lot of shit when things aren’t going your way and then when they do all is forgotten, until your team sucks again, then you go back to talking shit.
That’s it, that’s why I hate LeBron James, if you’d like to know more about me, and why wouldn’t you, you can follow me on the Twitter @jomac006 or learn about my awesome writing career here https://www.facebook.com/fjoshuamccain?ref=hl , or if you’re a fine lady you can swipe right on Tinder.
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