Even if I didn’t grow up a Redskins fan as well as having the misfortune of my dad being from Buffalo and me choosing to root for the Bills as my “AFC” team I assure you I would still fucking hate the triplets. If you don’t know who The Triplets are I don’t blame you, the name sucks, but its former Cowpokes Troy Aikmen, Michael Irvin, and Emmitt Smith. Individually they’re all pretty insufferable (well at least two of them, more on that later), but together they form the NFL’s douchiest (shout out to Kellie for having that fucking word stuck in my head) version of Voltron imaginable. So dear reader, sit back, relax, and as always, don’t take this completely seriously, I don’t mean it completely literally but here is why I hate the Triplets.
The Name: The Steel Curtain, The Killer Bees, The Diesel, these are nicknames that instill fear in the hearts of opponents, The Triplets, sounds like a shitty Hanson cover band. “Hey guys and gals, we’re about to play Mmm-Bop” fucking pathetic. Also, when the fuck was that named coined? I honestly don’t ever recall hearing it until after these fuckers had left the league, but regardless of when the name came into being, I’m more interested in who thought this was a fucking good name? I’m almost certain it was ESPN and I wouldn’t be shocked if it was Jon Gruden because he’s just the fucking worst at nicknames. “Gruden’s Grinders” is the absolute fucking worst when it comes for naming a player of the game, Gruden’s Grinders sounds like a fucking sub shop, one that I would expect to get food poisoning or the clap from if I ever ate there. Anyways, I’m getting off topic. The name is fucking terrible and if I were any of these three I would refuse to acknowledge it, but football players only live in the past once they retire (probably because their brains are jelly and they have no fucking clue what decade they really are in) and so they cling to anything about their past, even shitty nicknames some soulless corporation came up with.
Michael Irvin: First off fuck this guy and the entire Hall of Fame voting committee. Does Irvin deserve to be in the Hall? Your bet your ass he does, as much as I fucking hate this wannabe preacher (and I really fucking hate him, more than LeBron even) I have to admit that he was one of the best wide receivers of his generation (though a lot of that might be because of Aikman and Emmitt) but was he better than say Art Monk? Fuck no. That’s not even my Redskins bias coming through, that’s just a fucking fact of life. In every major receiving category Monk ranks higher than Irvin, receptions, Monk 940 to 750, yards 12721 to 11904, and touchdowns 68 to 65, and that’s with Monk playing with better receivers on his team so he wasn’t always the number one target like Irvin was.
So why in the blue hell did Monk wait thirteen years to get in the Hall and Irvin only 7 (also Irvin was elected the year before Monk)? Well if you listen to Peter King (and god help you if you do), he said (and I’m paraphrasing, because I don’t feel like finding the quote, hey, I looked up stats for you, be thankful for that) that Art Monk just didn’t scare teams, Irvin did, defenses made game plans around Irvin not Monk. First off, fuck Peter King, that self-righteous coffee snob “I’m not going to use the word Redskins anymore” with his head so far up Goodall’s ass he can tell you what the Ginger Hammer had for breakfast, sorry for the run on sentence but Fuck Peter King. Secondly, you know who wasn’t afraid of Irvin, the Redskins, they stuck Darrell Green (also the class of 2008) on Irvin and he shut him down. And lastly, teams didn’t game plan around Monk because if they focused on him, Gary Clark (who should be in the Hall) or Ricky Sanders were going to kill you.
One more thing about Irvin (can you tell I really hate this fucker, this is paragraph three!), I can’t fucking stand him on the NFL Network. It’s not that he’s such a rah-rah cheerleader for the Cowboys and picks them every year as his Super Bowl favorite when logic would tell an intelligent man that is a dumb idea, but it’s idea that he tries to come across as some second-rate Ray Lewis preacher type when they give him his own segment. It’s obnoxious, annoying, and makes no god damn sense as Irvin like, Lewis allegedly did, commits murder every Sunday, though instead of a human being, Irvin’s victim is the English language. Why is it that all these stations who cover the NFL feel the need that if a player can spell his own name that it’s okay to put them on television (this goes for Aikman too)? Kudos to Emmitt Smith for not going into the broadcast booth.
Emmitt Smith: Eh, not too many negative things to say about Emmitt. He was a great running back, stayed out of trouble, was a guest on my favorite show “How I Met Your Mother” and stayed the fuck out of the broadcast booth so good for him. However, him having the rushing record is a shame, we all know that record would belong to Barry Sanders had the Detroit Lions not been the most dysfunctional franchise in the NFL in the late 90’s which basically forced Sanders to retire early so he didn’t get killed. Way to go Detroit, not only did you fuck over the US economy and overall look like hell on earth, you allowed a fucking Cowboy to break Walter Peyton’s record. Well at least Emmitt was a Cardinal when he broke the record, we can all take solace in that. Also Smith had one of the best offensive lines to run behind while he was in Dallas, Barry Sanders had what amounted to cardboard cut-outs. Emmitt had holes to run through, Barry made people miss.
That’s right FUCKERS! A Barry Sanders highlight reel in the middle of an article about the Cowboys, fuck you DALLAS!
Troy Aikman: There isn’t too much to say about Aikman other than next to Phil Simms he’s the worst color commentator who does Nataionally Televised games. Seriously Fox, of all the former players you have at your disposal (including Daryl Johnston and Tony Siragusa) why in the blue hell is Aikman covering these games, and while we’re at it, why the fuck is Joe Buck out there as well? Seriously, these are the two you trout out?
First off Joe Buck is a baseball guy, that’s where he belongs, he knows a lot about it and it very good at it. Not so much with football. He’s been doing the NFL on Fox for so long I’d expect him to be an expert by now but he still asks Aikman the dumbest questions and yes I get it, part of the play by play man’s job is to act as a conduit for the average viewer but the problem here is that Buck asks questions that my seven-year old knows the answers to and then we wait five minutes while the questions registers in the vat of jelly that was once Aikman’s brain, it swirls around in there for a bit and then Aikman stutters something out that leaves the viewer thinking “what the hell did he just say?” It’s nothing personal with Aikman, he’s just not that good at his job, and if he didn’t win three Super Bowls he wouldn’t have this job.
Swinging back to Daryl Johnston, and the Goose, why aren’t these two along with Kenny Albert calling Fox’s Game of the Week? I’d dare say these three are the best in the business as a team (Al Michaels is still the best play by play guy). I love it when the Redskins draw these three. Albert is a great play by play man, Johnson knows what the fuck he’s talking about (also why doesn’t he get as much credit as the Triplets, he was just as much as a big time player on those Cowboy teams) and the Goose is just the best, I love his light-heartedness as a sideline reporter. Also, in spite of him being a former Cowboy, if you didn’t know that about Johnson, you’d have no idea listening to him, even when calling Cowboy games. He calls it right down the middle, unlike Aikman who lets his blue star loyalty hang out while calling not just Cowboy games but any NFC East game, especially Redskins games, maybe it has something to do with this:
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So that’s Why I Hate These Fuckers (well hate two of them and am mildly annoyed with the other), you can disagree with me but I’d like you to know you’re wrong and I hate you. However, if you’d like to know more about me, and why wouldn’t you, you can follow me on the Twitter @jomac006 or learn about my awesome writing career here , pick up my books at Amazon, check out my nerdy website Clash of the Nerds, and lastly if you’re a fine lady you should swipe right on Tinder.
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