Why I Hate The NBA All-Star Weekend

Fuck you NBA, fuck you straight to hell.  I’m not even going to go through my usually opening this week because I was just informed that the NBA All-Star Game is going to be held in Canada this year, fucking Canada!  What the Fuck NBA!  They don’t play Basketball in Canada that’s why the Grizzles had to move to Memphis, and the only reason why the Raptors stay afloat (though I constantly forget they exist) is because people in Western New York still miss the Buffalo Braves aka the LA Clippers (while I’m at it, fuck you too LA you don’t need two Basketball teams) and need something to watch in between the Bills and Sabers sucking year in and year out.  Canada has given us exactly 3 things to be excited about.  Hockey, Tim Horton’s, and Cobie Smolders.

So without further ado, don’t take this completely seriously, I don’t mean it completely literally (unless I do), but here is Why I Hate The NBA All-Star Weekend;

The Dunk Contest:

At one time this was on par, or better than, the MLB Homerun Derby. Why?  Because you had stars like Michael Jordan flying from the foul line.  Now, most stars opt out of the Dunk contest and we get a bunch of people we don’t fucking know.  Well, you might, because you watch the NBA, but I can’t be bothered — Hockey is on.  Or if we get a star like Blake Griffin his dunks are just commercials for Hyundai or Kia, or some other shitty Korean Car (sorry Geoff if you were working on a Kia sponsorship for the site, but their cars are ugly and they suck).  The defending champ is Zach LaVine and I don’t even know who the fuck that is, but I’ve been informed he’s barely a starter on his own team.

Fan Voting: 

Fan voting has always awful when it comes to these events.  Deserving players from unpopular teams or guys who aren’t really big names get overlooked (looking at you NFL with Kirk Cousins).  But again I was informed that Kyrie Irving was nearly voted in as a starter in spite of missing the majority of the year.  Irving is a good player and in a normal year deserves to be an all-star, but not this year,  fans are dumb and they see that online ballot and just vote for names they know.

Speaking of dumb fans, Yao Ming was always a top vote getter no matter how good or bad his season was because all of China was voting for him.  The NBA had a cash cow in China with Yao Ming and Ming had a cash cow for being Chinese and getting all those votes for that bonus check.

No Defense:

The worst part about any All-Star Game is the lack of defense (with the exception of MLB), but the NBA is by far the worst offender of this.  The NHL and NFL games have a lack of defense because of the rules of the game, they don’t want guys getting hurt so rules are changed for no checking, no press coverage, no blitzing.  The NBA, however, is not a contact sport and there are no rules are going against the defense, the players just show up and throw the ball around.  No one tries, no one cares, you might as well trot Kevin Hart out there and let him play.  Sure he’s 3 feet tall, but he’s going to try and play an actual basketball game.  Or bring in Bernie Sanders, did you see him while waiting for the New Hampshire results.  The man was on fire!  Sure from one spot on the floor but damn, he was knocking them down.

Nothing at Stake:  

There is nothing at stake in this game so no one playing cares.  At least, the MLB gives the winning side home-field advantage in the World Series.  Now home court advantage doesn’t mean shit in the NBA since it’s the biggest bandwagon sport out there, but why not give the MVP’s team an extra team win so that could help their playoff positioning so players who aren’t on the Cavs or Warriors would really want to play hard and win.

It Fucks Over this Site:  

The NBA is a cash cow for us (or so I’m told, I haven’t seen a dime, fuck you Geoff) and the All-Star Weekend starts on Friday but games don’t restart until next Thursday, seriously a week off?  Fuck you NBA, you’re fucking me out of theoretical money, and no one fucks me out of money that technically doesn’t exist and will probably never go to my bank account.  I probably should blame Geoff for that, but I’m not, I’m blaming the NBA because fuck them.

Or just scrap the whole fucking thing, I don’t care, I’m not going to watch anyways (or the rest of the season for that matter).

So that is why I Hate The NBA All-Star Game,  you can disagree with me, but I’d like you to know you’re wrong and I hate you.  However, if you’d like to know more about me, and why wouldn’t you, you can follow me on the Twitter (as well as wish me a happy birthday) @jomac006 or learn about my awesome writing career here , pick up my books at Amazon, check out my nerdy website Clash of the Nerds, and lastly if you’re a fine lady you should swipe right on Tinder.

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