Like many football fans this season, I’m pretty damned pissed off with how my team is performing to start the year.  In order to deflect my anger away from my team and put it back where it belongs, on all the other teams, here are the reasons why the team you root for makes you a world-class douche bag.  This is part one of a two-part series.  In this edition I take on the AFC or as I call it the Amateur Football Conference.  I mean seriously, your conference sucks.  With just a few exceptions, this conference is full of the shittiest cities and the teams with very little history behind them.  Maybe when you douche bags grow up you can root for an NFC team like all the big dog football fans.  Until that time, here is why each and every one of you is a douche.

AFC East

Buffalo Bills

You’re the team that drafted O.J. Simpson, remember him?  White Bronco, double homicide, epic not guilty verdict, Vegas robbery conviction?  Yeah, you guys are the ones that treated this guy as a legend.  The refs don’t even like you, screwing you out of Super Bowls back when your team was actually relevant, back when grunge was cool.  You lost the Super Bowl, not once, not twice, but four times in a row!  In current events, your coach, Rex Ryan, wants your team to be a bully.  Ryan took the bully motif so far he picked up Richie Incognito the dude that was without a job for ages because he bullied and threatened his teammate for the Miami Dolphins.  You picked up IK Enemkpali, the dude who kicked his own quarterback’s ass, well technically jaw.  You also picked up LeSean McCoy, the dude that can’t tip waitresses, plays the race card, and picks his nose on television.  Great bunch of athletes for the impressionable youngsters in Buffalo to look up to!  Go dance the polka in the snow and eat your wings, it’s about the only thing you have to be happy about you douche bags.

Miami Dolphins

Bienvenido a Miami, maybe Will Smith just liked the sunshine, I don’t get any other reason he’d enjoy Miami.  Your city sucks so much LeBron James went back to Cleveland instead of staying… Cleveland!  Wow that’s pathetic, but wrong sport.  The last time you had a winning record was in 2008.  Your only Super Bowl wins happened before I was born.  The only good player I can remember from my lifetime is Dan Marino.  Usually when a player is the sack leader it’s a good thing, except when it’s your quarterback.  In 2013 poor Ryan Tannehill was sacked more than any other in the league.  Your offensive line must hate him.  You’re irrelevant in the division.  Your players are irrelevant in fantasy football.  Your jerseys win the Kellie’s Ugliest Colors Award.  Seriously?  Aqua and Orange?  I find it offensive to my eyes but hey, what do you expect from a state filled with old people, they love clashing colors.  People of Miami, keep being all about that coco because if you’re about your team, you’re gonna be called a douche.

New England Patriots

Cheatahs and chowdah.  I grew up in New England and that’s my takeaway for the Patriots.  Spygate, deflategate, tuck rule, we’ve already talked this shit to death, I’m sick of it.  Something about this division must inspire double homicide, Buffalo had O.J. and the Pats have Aaron Hernandez.  Poor Hernandez went from playing tight end to playing wide receiver, in the butt, in prison, cuz murderer.  At least someone in the organization is being punished for his crimes unlike that quarterback I’m trying not to name.  although your team has met with recent success, for many all those titles are tainted by the accusations of cheating that has surrounded Bill Belichick for years.  Congrats douches, your team has become more hated than the Cowboys and that is quite an accomplishment.

New York Jets

Do the Jets even have fans?  I mean I hate the Giants but if you’re a New Yorker, at least they win on occasion.  The Jets are like the younger brother in New York football, kinda like those fucking Mets with the damn Yankees.  I fucking hate every team out of your city.  You do have Darrelle Revis going for you.  They say 75% of the world is covered by water and the other 25% is covered by Revis Island.  Maybe that’s because he’s the only talented player on the entire team.  They say no man is an island, based on the fact that Revis is the best damn corner in the entire league and the Jets still can’t get it done I’d say that’s accurate.  Defense may win championships but one defensive player doesn’t make an entire defense.  Then there is Geno Smith.  Wow.  You know you suck when your teammate breaks your jaw.  That sad, ugly, mother fucker.  Yeah, I said it, look at his picture, he ain’t got no alibi, he ugly and if you like him, you might be a douche.  No might about it, you are a douche.

AFC South

Houston Texans

There’s only two things in Texas, steers and queers.  The Cowboys have the queer market locked up, so that must make the Texans the steers.  Steers are huge ugly boy cattle, they kinda look like female Texan fans.  Everything is bigger in Texas, including the ladies.  Your team joined the league in 2002 which makes it under the legal age of consent in all non southern states.  Like with all jail bait, you shouldn’t even bother looking, something about grass on a field?  So if you come to town and embarrass the Texans is it considered statutory rape?  Texans fans, though few and far between, are the ones with enough sense to stay away from the Cowboys but still for some ungodly reason need to root for someone in their home state, I’m sure these are the same people who plan to vote for Jeb Bush, although he’s in Florida those guys are legends in Texas.  Be honest, can you name a player on the team aside from J.J. Watt and Arian Foster?  It’s cool I’ll wait… Didn’t think so, douche.

Indianapolis Colts

You know, I really hate all of the Manning family, even the younger brother not good enough to play football, but after Peyton Manning left this franchise I kinda let my hate for the Colts subside.  Andrew Luck is supposed to be fantasy gold and I’m wondering how many people are kicking themselves for going against every smart fantasy strategy out there and taking a first round quarterback and for wasting their number 1 pick on a guy that has pretty much accomplished nothing so far this season aside from throwing more interceptions than touchdowns.  I personally never hear from Colts fans, they’re out there, the team is pretty popular but they don’t make headlines.  The Colts are like the quiet smart kids in school that never quite beat the more popular smart kid that ends up valedictorian.  Utterly nondescript fan base, but still douche bags.

Jacksonville Jaguars

Blake Bortles, umm, who?  That’s the quarterbacks if you’re unaware.  For a third overall draft pick, you’d think more people would know who he was.  Maybe you should take note of his name, as of now he’s got better stats than Andrew Luck.  After losing Maurice Jones-Drew the Jags have accomplished nothing.  I’ve never met a Jacksonville fan so I’m going to stop talking about them.  If you are one, I’m sorry, and I’m sure you’re a douche.  To any Jags fans, drop me a line on Twitter @kellieruttar so I know you guys aren’t just a made up thing.

Tennessee Titans

You guys should be on your knees thanking the football gods for the existence of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.  If not for them, you’d be the worst of the worst.  You did manage to draft Marcus Mariota, good job, now get him some help.  I’m sure Mariota has a great future in the NFL but if you’re in the fan closet of the Titans you might not want to come out just yet.  There is a lot of teams that are going to be gunning for your guy and I wouldn’t be confident in that offensive line, they’re trying but it’s not there yet.  Mariota also has no receivers worth mentioning.  Welcome to the pros kid, now cheer up your douche fans.

AFC North

Baltimore Ravens

Oh Art Modell, you were king of the douche bags.  You took away the pride and joy of the sad city of Cleveland, moved them to Baltimore where they magically stopped sucking.  I realize Cleveland is cursed but still, dick move buddy.  Every victory for the Ravens drives Cleveland fans further into the bottle.  Notable players for the Ravens include cocaine dealer extraordinaire Jamal Lewis, not quite convicted murderer Ray Lewis (should have told Aaron Hernandez your legal team!), and let’s not forget fiancée beater Ray Rice.  I’d expect nothing less for the city that headlines riots and frequently tops the lists for  cities with the most murders, but hey, your inner harbor is pretty cool.  The only thing that saves Ravens fans from being complete and utter douchiest of the douches is they get to wear purple and that’s an awesome color.

Cincinnati Bengals

I actually really like the city of Cincinnati.  The river, the buildings, the bridges, the casinos, the aquarium, it’s a pretty cool place to visit and a fun downtown to walk through on summer evenings.  I’ve traveled through many a place that can boast their own NFL team and when you’re in Cincinnati if you didn’t know any better you wouldn’t even know they have a team.  You don’t see fans wearing their colors, you don’t see cars with logos, you barely even see shops selling gear.  Embarrassed?  Why do you hide your team away Cincinnati?  If the Bengals ever win a Super Bowl I’m going to head down there and see if anyone has come out of the fan closet.  We can’t talk about the Bengals without mentioning Chad Johnson.  I understand being connected to your number, but really, changing your name to Ochocinco?  That is an utterly douche move.  What’s really funny here is with their southern Ohio accents I don’t even think anyone in Cincinnati speaks Spanish, they probably didn’t even get it.  Chad is still pretty cool for a convicted wife beater.  If anyone can admit to being a Bengals fan, rest assured, you’re a douche.

Cleveland Browns

These poor broken-hearted bastards.  I don’t even know if I’m mean enough to call them douches.  Since returning to the NFL there has been nothing but one disappointing quarterback after another in the mistake on the lake.  The latest, Johnny Football Manziel, went to rehab for a drinking problem.  Hey, the poor guy was just trying to connect with the fan base.  In Cleveland alcohol is one of the four food groups with Polish Boys (that’s the name of a disgustingly artery clogging sandwich thing, not a pedophile joke), Paprikash, and pizza.  Cleveland is also famous for the Cuyahoga River.  This is the river that catches fire, that’s right folks, flammable water, it’s so polluted you can’t even fish in it.  They blame the pollution, but I think it’s the tears of Browns fans.  Their bodies are so seeped in alcohol their tears falling into the river make it flammable.  Seeing these guys makes it just a little easier being a displaced Eagles fan.  The Browns suck so much half the natives don’t even root for them.  There are just as many Steelers fans born and bred in Cleveland as Browns fans.  Keep the faith guys, maybe one year it will happen, but don’t hold your breath… Unless you’re trying to escape the air pollution, on second thought, maybe holding your breath is a good idea, we have factories that shoot fire in the sky, very pretty when you’re driving down the Jennings at night, but that can’t be good for our lungs.  I gotta hand it to these guys though, they represent their team to the fullest.  There is no hiding, no excuses, just bitter and sad douche fans.  I guess I was mean enough after all.

 Pittsburgh Steelers

I know what everyone is thinking, you think I’m going to make jokes about Big Ben Roesthlisberger and call him Rapelisberger.  Well I’m not, promise.  I call him Impliedconsentlisberger.  Let’s be honest ladies, if you go into the hotel room of an NFL player, it’s implied your going to sleep with him.  Crossing into that room is like signing a sex contract.  If you don’t want to fuck, then stay away from the hotel room and if you just want to get fucking paid after crying foul, jump in front of a car, because both ideas are terribly played out and stereotypical.  The Steelers as a fan base have a lot of bandwagon fans.  As previously discussed (read ranted about) bandwagon fans make your entire fan base lose IQ points.  Find yourself a pretty girl wearing a Steelers jersey, well she probably won’t be pretty but anyway, and ask her to name one player on her team.  After watching her turn her jersey so she can read the name on the back she’ll struggle to pronounce Polamalu.  Speaking of, am I the only one that misses Troy Polamalu and that hair?  Odell Beckham Jr is a poor man’s substitute in the hair department.  Anyway, you douche bandwagon fans, learn about your team!  I also must mention the terrible towel that these guys are so fond of.  I kinda get it.  I happen to know quite a few Steelers fans and one thing they have in common is they all sweat extensively.  I don’t think it’s because of their team per say, but I don’t know, I’m just here to report the phenomenon.  The terrible towel on top of being obnoxious to twirl around at games also serves as a mop for that body odor inducing liquid.  One last thing that fucking bothers me to no end about the Steelers, your team is a fucking pain in my ass to type about.  For some reason no writing platform recognizes that Steelers is spelled correctly, damn it there’s that squiggly red line again.  It’s like the programmers that make these things haven’t even heard of you and don’t recognize that your team name is a real word.  It pisses me off when I go to proof read and adds to your douche factor.

 AFC West

Denver Broncos

Your quarterback is so old, he needs your legal weed for his glaucoma.  Your offensive line looks like it’s Mile High because they’re thinking so much about junk food they can’t create running lanes.  Your team was so busy hitting a super bowl they lost the Super Bowl.  You’re a bunch of hippie pot heads is what I’m getting at if you’re too high to decipher my lame jokes.  Seriously though, I’ve never actually been to your city, but everyone says it’s lovely.  All you Denver people are so darn nice too, maybe it’s something in the elevation.  Everyone always wants me to come visit Denver, so much so that I’m starting to think it’s a plot to kidnap me and hold me hostage in the mountains, and I fucking hate skiing.  Seriously, your attitude about getting people to your city is very, very suspect.  You also worship John Elway like a god, I wouldn’t be surprised if you’re luring visitors there to sacrifice them to his image in order to have a decent season, it’s a little too reminiscent of The Wicker Man for my taste and incredibly douche-like.

Kansas City Chiefs

Another team no one really cares about.  Your city isn’t even in the state it’s named for, how lame is that.  You took my once beloved Andy Reid and turned him into the Kool-aid man.  What the fuck is up with the new coaches jackets we’re seeing on the sidelines this year?  Those things aren’t doing anyone any favors, they look like mumus made out of garbage bags and for some reason it’s even worse in Chiefs red.  Now I might not be PC (obviously) but isn’t the Chiefs name just as offensive as the Redskins?  Maybe I’m wrong but I would think if you want to ban one you should want to ban the other.  I don’t really give a shit, but it’s still pretty douchey.  Is douchey a word?  As in like having the qualities of a douche, just like this fan base if they exist.

Oakland Raiders

There are two types of Raiders fans.  Half are straight outta Compton and only wear the gear to look like Eazy-E.  Why you want to look like a guy that died of aids I don’t quite get but to each their own.  These are the guys that gave Raiders fans the reputation for being violent gang bangers.  The other half of the fan base is actually not full of douches.  I like Raiders fans.  These guys know how to let loose and throw a party.  I guess when your team has sucked as hard and as long as yours has you need to find a way to have fun with it.  Drinking and partying gives you something to distract from your terrible franchise.  You guys are passionate, loud, obnoxious, but not entirely in a bad way because you’re also pretty happy people, which is rare for a losing team’s fans.  We touched on the PC thing a second ago and I have come up with another question.  Why hasn’t anyone called for the banning of the Raiders logo?  I would think it’s highly offensive to pirates.  Pirates get enough bad press without perpetuating negative stereotypes that they would be awful at football if they ever left the high seas.  You guys are still a bunch of douche bags but you’re not as bad as most of them.

San Diego Chargers

Whenever I think of the big bolt of suck that is the Chargers, I think of Eli Manning.  This might be the only time a number one draft pick wasn’t happy about being the number one draft pick.  It is not okay to refuse to go to the team that drafted you.  Do you know how many people would be thrilled at the chance to play anywhere?  Fucking entitled brat of Archie, I hate you so much I feel my blood pressure rising.  I rooted for the Chargers that year just to spite that little fuck.  The city of San Diego is infamously expensive to live in, but for some reason can’t afford a stadium that the NFL would deem worthy of hosting a Super Bowl.  The Chargers may even go move in with their division rivals the Raiders to share a stadium in Los Angeles.  Philip Rivers has come out and said that he would rather retire than move to LA.  Something about not being fair to move his 7 children.  Maybe he could have a reality show if that happened, people love that shit about families with too many kids.  When your city doesn’t care about keeping you and quarterbacks don’t want to play for you, you know you have to be a fan base full of douches, bro.

That concludes part 1 of why your NFL team makes you a douche.  Don’t worry my fellow NFC fans, now that we got the shitty AFC out of the way, your portion is coming soon.  If you haven’t been offended yet, don’t worry, I’ll get you my pretties and your little teams too.

Catch my interviews, opinions, and NFL news and insights on thasportsjunkies101.com, for the NFL season you will also be able to catch me weekly on Tha Takeova Show brought to you by Tha Sports Junkies101 Sports Radio.  You can also find me on Twitter @kellieruttar or like me on Facebook Kellie Ruttar TSJ101.  You can also find me ranting here on goingfor2.com while checking out the latest in fantasy and sports news.

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