I Pick The Academy Award Winners

The Academy Award Nomination we announced this morning so Hollywood is all a buzz, all I know is Star Wars didn’t get nominated for Best Picture, so fuck that mess.  However, I know a lot of you out there love this sort of thing, but damn is that show long, so I figure I could save you some time and tell you who are going to win the Major Awards.

BEST ANIMATION

Anomalisa

Inside Out

Boy and the World

Shaun the Sheep Movie

When Marnie Was There

Winner: Anomalisa, it should be Inside Out, but this stupid sad pitty-party movie because it’s so “different” is going to win over the stuffy members of the Academy, fuck them and fuck this movie.  Inside Out should be the winner.

BEST DIRECTOR

Alejandro G Inarritu – The Revenant

Tom McCarthy – Spotlight

Adam McKay – The Big Short

George Miller – Mad Max: Fury Road

Lenny Abrahamson – Room

Winner: Alejandro G Inarritu – The Revenant.  This film is just going to clean up.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS

Kate Winslet – Steve Jobs

Jennifer Jason Leigh – The Hateful Eight

Alicia Vikander – The Danish Girl

Rooney Mara – Carol

Rachel McAdams – Spotlight

Winner: Rachel McAdams – Spotlight, Spotlight is one of those movies that won’t win Best Picture but will steal a few minor awards from The Revenant, especially since there is no Supporting Actress nominee from that film, and Rachel McAdams has come a long way since Mean Girls and has grown has an actress.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR

Sylvester Stallone – Creed

Christian Bale – The Big Short

Mark Ruffalo – Spotlight

Mark Rylance – Bridge of Spies

Tom Hardy – The Revenant

The Winner: Sylvester Stallone – Creed, the winner should be Tom Hardy, but the Academy is going to pull one of those, “well Sly could have won for the original Rocky and this will probably be the last time he’s ever nominated for an Oscar so we’ll give it to him”.  This shit happens all the time with the Oscar, an older actor beats out a more deserving younger actor because the Academy hasn’t awarded that older actor an award yet.  This is more of a lifetime achievement award for Sly as opposed to the Best Supporting Actor award.

BEST ACTRESS

Brie Larson – Room

Cate Blanchett – Carol

Saoirse Ronan – Brooklyn

Jennifer Lawrence – Joy

Charlotte Rampling – 45 Years

The Winner:  Cate Blanchett – Carol, Cate Blanchett is just the best.

BEST ACTOR

Leonardo DiCaprio – The Revenant

Bryan Cranston – Trumbo

Michael Fassbender – Steve Jobs

Eddie Redmayne – The Danish Girl

Matt Damon – The Martian

Winner:  I’m going off book here, Matt FUCKING Damon for the Martian!  Why, because he carries that entire film with heart, humor and emotion.  That and the Academy apparently hates Leo.  Did he sleep with someone’s wife or something?  Jeez, dude can’t buy a victory.

BEST PICTURE

Bridge of Spies

The Big Short

Brooklyn

Mad Max: Fury Road

The Martian

The Revenant

Room

Spotlight

Winner: The Revenant, that was easy.

So there you have it dear reader, the winners of the awards we actually care about.