Tom Brady: A Legacy Deflated

Welcome to another exciting addition of Kellie’s Rant.  What’s pissing me off lately is Tom Brady.  Now, I say lately, but truth be told, Tom  Brady has been pissing me off since 2001 when he first started gaining playing time.  Let me explain.

Growing up a Philadelphia Eagles fan in Connecticut I couldn’t help but follow the New England Patriots.  My first sports crush was Drew Bledsoe.  Even now that he’s off making his own wine, I still find Bledsoe pretty distinguished and dare I say handsome.  Tom Brady was the reason that Bledsoe did not play in the Super Bowl.  Yeah, I know, Drew was hurt, but the injury was healed by the time the playoffs rolled around.  By this time, Brady had become a poster child for the Pats and it started a dangerous precedent.  By calling on a then unheard of rule, Tom Brady advanced the team passed the Oakland Raiders which would eventually take them to the Super Bowl.  Tuck rule, ring a bell?  Has anyone heard the refs use this in anyone else’s favor since?  The conspiracy to make Brady a legacy had begun.  Tuck you refs, go tuck yourself Brady, you entitled mother tucker, you can all tuck off.  This was Tom Brady strike one.

Then came 2004.  The Patriots defeated my Philadelphia Eagles in the Super Bowl by a three-point margin.  With all the various cheating allegations that have come out.  I often wonder if this game was fair.  There may not be any proof of wrong doing during that game, but as they say, the absence of evidence is not the evidence of absence.  Strike two douche.

Next comes the 2007 infamous Spy-Gate.  Now due to the NFL destroying all evidence in the case, thank you so much Goodell, real smooth move, there was no way to prove allegations that the video taping (read CHEATING) went back to 2002.  Yeah, my Eagles Super Bowl was after this, suffice to say I’m just a little bitter.  Strike two and a half considering this one falls mainly on Bill Belichick.  No fuck that, strike three Brady, you’re out.

Before we get into current events, a rage induced tirade, and a litany of  further grievances, all with a healthy serving of ball jokes, I’d like to present a literary masterpiece.  I am a writer after all, this is kinda what I do.  Without further introduction I present to you:

Ode to Tom Brady: A Sonnet

Never has there been a player so reeking of pond shit

Then the quarterback known as Tom Brady.

His reputation never seems to take a hit

Even when there’s proof he’s acted shady.

I see him as forever tarnished, tainted, an asterisk

Lock him for eternity out of the famous Hall.

Stand Brady in a corner and beat him with sticks

Pelt him repeatedly with a well inflated ball.

I wish to never again see him at a Super Bowl

I want him cut, banished, and banned.

Take him to Pittsburgh to bury in coal

It is time we as fans take a stand.

The husband of Gisele

Must surely rot in hell.

Now that we have had a moment of culture, I feel better about the upcoming ball jokes.  So anyway, unless you’ve just come out of a coma and this happens to be the first sports article you’ve laid eyes on, you’re aware of deflate-gate, if you have just woken up I certainly mean no disrespect, this article will still be here after you wiki deflate-gate and catch up.

I’d like to point out, one good thing has come out of this entire fiasco.  We got to hear Tom Brady say the following on national television in reference to his balls:

I don’t want anyone touching the balls after that.  I don’t want anyone rubbing them.  To me, those balls are perfect.

And almost as funny:

Everybody has a preference. Some guys like them round. Some guys like them thin. Some guys like them tacky. Some guys like them brand new. Some guys like old balls.

Pure oratory brilliance.  Personally I like my balls attached to men with  large umm wallets, let’s go with that one.

Who can believe such an idiot could possibly orchestrate an entire ball deflating conspiracy ensuring he had unfair advantage against his opponents?  I mean, he doesn’t know things!  He’s not a science computer!  That’s what he wants you to think!  Tom Brady knew what he was doing, just like he knew those balls were deflated and ordered it done.  This is the age of internet memes and how could we not take those delightful quotes about Brady’s ball preferences, set them to funny pictures, share with our friends, and laugh our collective asses off.  Perhaps the laughter would lighten the fact that he CHEATED.  Either he deflated the balls or he’s secretly having an affair with a man endowed with beautiful balls, either way, CHEATING.

To compound the evidence of cheating there is the deal with the cell phone.  Brady refused to hand it over.  If he was innocent like he claimed he was what would it hurt?  I’ve debated this with my colleagues and there are those that claim he’s protecting his privacy, it’s his right, blah, blah, blah.  You know, I’m all for privacy.  I certainly don’t want anyone looking at my web browsing history, they may discover my shopping addiction, the research I’ve done on taming my newly acquired feral rescue kitten (her name is Callisto and she’s adorable by the way), or gasp maybe some vegetarian recipes.  Giving up your privacy sucks, but what is the lesser of two evils?  If you don’t give up your phone everyone is going to assume you’re guilty of something.  Don’t give me any of that but it’s the principle crap.

This was an official investigation, by not turning over the phone, Brady impeded the progress.  I’ve said all along, any man not turning over his cell phone when asked is CHEATING at something. What do you think is more likely?  He deflated the balls and CHEATED the game of football or he’s CHEATING on his lovely supermodel wife?  There is also the possibility he’s pulling a Brett Favre and sending unsolicited dick pics, that seems like a popular pass-time these days.

Then we come to the shit with the suspension.  Four games for CHEATING, bull shit.  Once again, I’ve gotten into debate with my colleagues about the severity of the original suspension.  There are apparently those who think that four games was too many.  They claim that CHEATING is not as severe as the domestic violence Greg Hardy was found guilty of.  Or of the sexual assault charges that Ben Roethlisberger was accused of but never found guilty of.  Rapistberger is probably innocent and he was still suspended.  Let’s also look at Ray Rice, the woman he beat married him after the incident and the NFL pretty much ended his career o ver it.  Okay, now I am a woman, and I certainly don’t advocate the beating and threatening of women or the sexual assault of women and I hate the Dallas Cowboys and all their players (especially Tony “Broke Back Mountain” Romo) with a fiery passion, but I disagree.  Have we so soon forgotten the lesson learned from the Nike commercials?  Athletes are not role models.  I’ll say it again with some boldness: ATHLETES ARE NOT ROLE MODELS.  Athletes can, and very often do, give back to the communities that support them and that is very admirable, it is not a requirement, they don’t have to, but hey, some people are just good people, and that should be respected, but, ATHLETES ARE NOT ROLE MODELS.

When interviewing draft prospects I like to ask what players serve as inspirations.  Never have I ever used the word role model.  Some answer the question just on playing ability, some answer based on shared experiences, some mention players that give great inspirational quotes and speeches, some mention players they have personally played with or against, some do mention players in an off field role model capacity, and that is their right, we all find different things inspirational.  On a personal level I find Gabrielle “Coco” Chanel and Helen Gurley Brown inspirational, what they did to modernize women is truly inspirational to me and I find their life stories and struggles of being women before their time fascinating.  They had their flaws, Chanel was a Nazi and Gurley Brown was pretty much a slut, but they are not role models, they are simply inspirations, just like athletes, last time, I promise, ATHLETES ARE NOT ROLE MODELS.

If a player breaks the law, let the law deal with them.  If the NFL wants to put a morality stipulation in their contracts, that is their right as an employer, but I feel CHEATING should be handled with the strictest penalties available.  If the NFL wants to pretend these players are role models, fine them and force them to appear in public service announcements, if they refuse then suspend them for insubordination.  I used to manage commission based sales people.  There were loopholes that allowed them to cheat the system and make their sales numbers look better than they actually were, it didn’t affect their pay, just made them look better.  They didn’t steal, they didn’t beat their significant others, all they did was cheat the system and each time I found evidence of this, I fired them.  In previous cases of cheating, let’s take Sean Payton for example, remember bounty-gate?  He didn’t coach for two years after that, and he wasn’t even the mastermind of the scandal.  Why is Tom Brady protected from up on high?  Why football gods why?  Since I don’t work for the NFL, can I start my own bounty?  I’d pay to see Brady sacked hard enough to be out for the season.  You listening defensive ends?  Extra bonus if you deflate his other balls.

Now as I’m sure everyone knows by now, the Brady suspension was over turned in a court of law.  Now I know some of you are thinking that the law is infallible, how could there ever be bias in the courtroom?  I mean they got the OJ Simpson verdict right, didn’t they?  Let me present to you exhibit A.  The judge, the ever honorable Richard Berman, who presided over the case and decided Brady’s fate, catch this one Dez Bryant, the judge has Tom Brady on his fantasy team!  Sounds like a conflict of interest right?  If you don’t believe me, let me quote said judge:

“As a fantasy-team owner, sure it’s going to be awesome to see Tom in there for all sixteen games.”

According to The New Yorker article I stole that quote from, the judge who obviously (please read that in your sarcasm voice) has no personal agenda in the matter, also has Reggie Wayne on his fantasy team.  I would like to know at what point in time did the judge draft Brady.

Did it happen before or after he knew he’d be the deciding factor in whether Brady would be playing a full season?  That information I was unable to dig up.  So much for justice being blind.  Let’s put this into perspective.  Let’s say you’re a student.  Let’s say you got caught cheating on a test.  Most likely you’d be suspended from school.  First of all, you’d never find a judge willing to hear an appeal case on that.  Second of all, if you did find a judge willing to listen to both sides of the story, there is no way they would overturn it, because you CHEATED and CHEATING is against the rules!  Why is this being treated differently?  I realize the NFL is a multi-billion dollar business, but still, the public demands integrity.  The fans, those that bet on the games, the other teams, they all deserve the integrity of a game free from rule-breaking.

A further hint that there might have been some secret agenda going on is this little tidbit.  Judge Berman and Patriots owner Robert Kraft just so happened to be at the same Labor Day party in the Hamptons.  A team rep claims it was a “chance encounter”  but I don’t buy that.  This is more shady to me than Chris Christie partying on the dime of Jerry Jones before being awarding a huge contract in the new World Trade Center building.  That’s a true story by the way, google it, and that scum is running for president, like anyone would ever vote for another Cowboys fan.

Some of you may be thinking, what’s the big deal?

This isn’t ISIS, you know, no one is dying.

Another brilliant Tom Brady quote.  Talking about terrorism worked for George W. Bush, why can’t it work for Brady?

Incidentally, this is also the same tactic used by Lois in an old episode of Family Guy, you know, the one where she runs for mayor and just keeps saying 9/11?  Family Guy, a show that Brady has had guest appearances on, another coincidence?  Yes, Tom Brady, I know that this isn’t ISIS.  In a general sense of right and wrong in the world, cheating at football is not the same as being a deadly terrorist group.  I don’t know about you, my dear readers, but for me sports is a grand escape from the stress of the real world.  For those four quarters that a football game is on, that is all that matters.  Cheering for your team or players, watching an amazing group of athletes perform together to see which will prevail, it’s a battle of strength and skill and also a battle of wits and intelligence.  What Tom Brady did undermines all of that.  In essence, he’s saying we, the fans, don’t really matter.  So yes, no one is dying, but at the same time our entertainment has been compromised.  Compromised by a man who feels he is above the rules and above the law.  I, for one, do not want to accept that.  It is time we take a stand against under inflated balls!  We must rise as one and scream, NO!  We will not tolerate CHEATING!  We want our balls truly perfect!  We don’t accept Tom Brady’s warped sense of perfect balls!  We want those balls filled with the proper amount of pressure!  Who’s with me?

Catch my interviews, opinions, and NFL news and insights on thasportsjunkies101.com, for the NFL season you will also be able to catch me weekly on Tha Takeova Show brought to you by Tha Sports Junkies101 Sports Radio.  You can also find me on Twitter @kellieruttar or like me on Facebook Kellie Ruttar TSJ101.  You can also find me ranting here on goingfor2.com while checking out the latest in fantasy and sports news.

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