Why I Hate Ric Flair

This past Sunday at WWE’s Night of Champions Charlotte Flair won the WWE’s Diva’s Championship by ending Nikki Bella’s record-breaking 301 days as champion (side rant, fuck you WWE for having of all people Nikki break AJ’s record just because she’s married to CM Punk, there were way more deserving Divas).  After Charlotte’s victory out trotted her decrepit old man Ric Flair (or as we call him in these parts Ricky the Flair, why, I have no idea) and Charlotte’s achievement suddenly became the Ric Flair show as he stuttered through his old catch phrases.  So sit back dear reader, grab a snack and an adult beverage and in the immortal words of Keith Olbermann, “don’t take this completely seriously, I don’t mean it completely literally,” but here is why I Hate Ric Flair.

He’s not “that” great:  Ricky the Flair gets credited with a lot of things these days in professional wrestling, some deservedly, and some not.  Flair was a hell of a heel, he really got to you, I remember as a kid hating the fuck out of him.  And not this current bitter spite that I carry for most things these days, but a pure and innocent hatred that only a child who watches wrestling could produce.  There is probably no one I wanted to see lose more than him.  In that aspect Flair was indeed the man.  But pretty much in every other aspect it’s just inflated nostalgia.  Flairs in ring talent were okay to good at best, his best matches were usually carried by far superior wrestlers like the late Dusty Rhodes, Sting, Ricky Steamboat, and Macho Man Randy Savage.  His 16 Time World Championships (combining NWA, WCW, and WWE) is just a matter of his prime being at a time when heels usually held the belts because that riled up the southern crowds (where Flair wrestled with NWA and WCW for the vast majority of his career).  In fact Flair’s first WCW World Championship was given to him in 1991 when the company was started by Billionaire Ted Turner, no tournament, just handed to Flair.  And while we’re at it, to be a 16 time Champ means you’ve got to lose it that many times as well, so he wasn’t so hot at defending it.  So Jon Steward, shame on you for costing John Cena a chance to tie Flair at Summer Slam last month.

David Flair:  Anyone who was a fan of WCW in the late 90’s will remember Ric Flair’s son David.  Now granted when your parent is considered a legend in anything it’s really tough to live up to that legacy.  Just ask Chris Simms or Kellen Winslow Jr.  But at least those two showed signs of competent talent in order to get to the NFL, they weren’t just there because daddy was a big wig.  I assure you David was only there because of his dad.  Now I’ll make jokes from time to time about Ricky the Flairs physic, but at one point in his career, Flair was pretty athletic, David was not.  He literally looked like some schmuck grabbed out of the crowd and the sad thing is he won matches.  Most of the time it involved interference but other times he would win with a roll-up or some other bull shit.  Imagine if you were a WCW wrestler at the time, you’ve spent you whole life training to get there,  you’re at peak physical shape and then you have to job (wrestling term for lose) to the boss’s dip shit son.  Yeah, fuck you David Flair and fuck your father for spawning you.

His Physique: Kids, steroids are bad.  For a brief moment in your life they will make you look like an Adonis (well they will if you work out other wise you’ll look like a fat piece of shit), but even if you manage the Adonis portion of your life if you abuse them you’ll end up with sagging man tits after your quit working out and your muscles atrophy. This is what happened to Flair after he became “the Man”.  His schedule became grueling and his body started to sag.  When I was in high school I had a Pro Wrestling Illustrated magazine that had a poster of Flair vs Tito Santana where Santana had smacked him in the chest and Flairs flabby skin made a perfect outline of Santana’s hand.  It was the greatest yet grossest thing I had ever seen.  I cherished that poster, I have no idea whatever happened to that poster but I miss it so.

Stayed way way way way way past his prime:  Do you know what happens when you’re rich and famous and marry a hot piece of ass because she’s a hot piece of ass?  You get divorced and lose half your money.  Do you know what happens when you repeat the first step 3 more times?  You become flat fucking broke and have to work well into your retirement years.  This is never good and it’s even worse when your only determinable skill is getting tossed around a wrestling ring.  Ric Flair has retired more times than he’s been divorced, and every time I see his old ass in the ring I think to myself, “Fuck Flair, you’re getting divorced again?!”  More times than not the answer to that rhetorical question is yes.  Because of this the legacy of Flair is so tarnished.  Gone are memories of Flair’s greatest matches versus Savage or Steamboat, instead we now remember the old man flop.

Charlotte Flair:  First off, who the fuck names their daughter after the city she was conceived in?  Ricky the Flair that’s who mother fucker  WOOOOOO!  Now nothing against Charlotte, unlike her dip shit older half-brother she’s a pretty good wrestler and well deserving of the Diva’s title, but fuck do I hate her catch phrase “Do it with Flair”.  That is the stupidest fucking catch phrase and the WWE has some pretty dumb ones.  Also, like her father when she’s done talking she finishes with “WOOOO!” which doesn’t have as much um flair (sorry, I am so sorry for that) as her father.

The Nature Boy:  Buddy Rodgers was the OG Nature Boy and then Flair beat him for the honor of that name and to wear pastel colored robes and feather boas to the ring… Um are we sure he “won” that honor and didn’t lose a bet?  Oh he did win it… um, congrats (shoulder shrug).  So yeah, what the fuck is a Nature Boy?  Sounds like a boy scout award or some shit.  So yeah, fuck that title.

He Won’t Go Away:  As mentioned above, Flair has retired more time than he’s been divorced (I’d like someone to look into the Guinness Book of World Records on that, we could give Flair another title), but now that he’s done wrestling (we think) he still shows up.  And I’ll give him a pass on his daughter winning the Diva’s title, that’s a big moment for her and as a father I plan on being at all of my son’s big moments, but it’s not just her moments.  Like in the video above he’s their to confront Jon Stewart and talk up John Cena, he’ll show up for any reason, I don’t think Flair knows the meaning of the word retirement.  Flair, Charlotte won the title, you were there for her, great, now go the fuck away and never return.  Thanks.

So there you have it, the reasons Why I Hate Ricky the Flair, you can disagree with me all you want but I want you to know that you’re wrong and I hate you.  However, if you’d like to know more about me, and why wouldn’t you, you can follow me on the Twitter @jomac006 or learn about my awesome writing career here , pick up my books at Amazon, check out my nerdy website Clash of the Nerds, and lastly if you’re a fine lady you should swipe right on Tinder.

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