Well the Super Bowl, er… um… the “Big Game” is upon us (please don’t sue NFL, Geoff doesn’t have the money to pay you and I flat out refuse to) so naturally all of you degenerates out there have turned to us once again at Going for 2 for all your daily fantasy shenanigans so you can get your gambling fix like the junkies you all are.
But I know there are some of you out there who don’t just like the soft stuff of daily fantasy, you’re hardcore, you bet on everything and you need our picks for some of the more popular prop bets. And since no one wanted to write this, Geoff asked me to do it and well I was like, meh, I’ll do it. So here you go, your Prop Bet Predictions Guaranteed to Be Wrong.
The Coin Flip: Common sense would say you have a 50/50 chance of heads or tails, but science (the killer of dreams and religion) say “Nah!” you have a 51% chance of it landing on heads. So that means logically you should pick “heads” with your prop bet, but I say “fuck logic” take tails and with that, and take the Broncos winning the toss because DeMarcus Ware is a rebel and he’ll go against the grain and call tails.
Wait, what, they don’t use a quarter for the coin toss, they make their own commemorative coin for the Super Bowl so they can sell replicas to stupid people and that coin throws off the science I’ve already looked up? Well, fuck that, still, take tails, take the Broncos winning the toss, and them deferring because they still remember what happened last time they started a Super Bowl off with the ball.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tBP_t808xEI
Who Scores First: This one is easy, the Panthers. Like I said above, the Broncos will defer and Cam is going to drive the Panthers down the field but settle for a field goal. However, Cam will still dab (whatever the fuck that is, seriously, I’m an uncool white guy who makes jokes on the internet. Cam scares me with his gyrations.), he’ll probably also take the ball from the ball boy and give it to some disabled, I mean handi-capable (got to be PC) kid sitting in the stands to warm the hearts of America, except for Donald Trump who is probably trying to figure out a way to deport Cam Newton, which would win him votes from Alabama fans who are still bitter about Cam kicking their ass at Auburn. Seriously, college fans, you’re a bunch of psychopaths who take sports played by literally kids too seriously and you all need to see a therapist. Let that shit go, especially if you never went to that school, which is most of Alabama. However, here are some gyrations I’m not afraid of because NEW DAY ROCKS!)
Didn’t think I could sneak some WWE into this post did you? Well, I did!
Von Miller mocking Cam after a Sack: This one is 100% Bet the fucking house on it, I guarantee you’ll win* But how will he do it? This is where the money is made;
Dragging his Nuts on Cam’s face, that comes in at 30 to 1
Cam’s Superman pose, this one is almost even at 2 to 1. It’s easy for Von to do and remember. He’s not a smart man, we need to keep it simple for him.
Dabbing, again, I don’t know what the fuck this is (nor do I care) but it’s been the big thing this year, even the Panthers’ thieving own got in the on the act, but not Greg Olsen! To him, football is serious business and he has no time for fads, he’s too busy making Cam look good. He’s the unsung hero of that offense. He’s unsung unlike Gronk because Gronk gives into trends and fucks strippers. Olsen is just a good player who’s a fantastic father. The media has no time for upstanding individuals, they only have time to castrates those who they want to be upstanding. The Skip Baylesses of the world suck and I wish nothing but bad things on them. How does a great man like Bret “The Hitman” Hart get prostate cancer yet Skip is healthy? Fuck Skip and fuck dabbing, I hope they both die in 2016. Anyways, the odds of Von dabbing after he sacks Cam (and I won’t even know he’s doing it) is 3 to 1.
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Peyton’s Last Game: This is a lock. This is Peyton’s last game. He barely has any feeling left in his arm (which means he’ll throw at least 3 lame duck interceptions) and he’ll be lucky to live through this Panther’s D. He’s definitely gone if he wins, even though he would like to finish his career with more Super Bowl Rings than his shitty little brother, he’ll have to settle for a tie (which is how it should be so they don’t fight at the Thanksgiving table anymore). And for those of you saying “well Eli is still in the league”, he’s never getting back to the Super Bowl and those two rings he was lucky to get those.
There is a slight chance if the Broncos lose (and they probably will) as long as the Panthers don’t actually cripple him, then he might come back, I doubt it will be with the Broncos, though.
Peyton leaving the game on a stretcher: 2 to 1. 4 to 1 that he dies on the field.
Something Vaguely Racist Said About Cam During the Game: 100 fucking percent! Not sure if it will be in the pregame, halftime, field reporter, or the guys in the booth. Someone is going to say something about vaguely or completely racist about Cam during the game, my money is on that he’s a thug, too hip-hop, or well spoken (which is just as offensive as the N-word these days).
Thug, 10 to 1. This would have been better odds a few years ago with pouty Cam, but he’s been all smiles this year (weird how winning turns him from pouty to smiling).
Hip-Hop, 2 to 1, this isn’t in a sense “racist” but in this uber PC world we live in, there is a really good fucking chance that if a crusty old white announcer refers to Cam as “hip-hop” he will be labeled a racist and then will have to apologize on Monday.
Well-Spoken, 1 to 1, someone on one of the pregame shows will surely call Cam “well-spoken” as a way to try to explain how he’s matured throughout his NFL career.
Quick Hit Prop Bets: Will there be an Earthquake during the game? Yes; Will Peyton cry in his post game interview? Yes; Will Mike Carey be wrong about a challenge? Absofuckinglutely!; Will Peyton announce his retirement after the game? No; Who will the Super Bowl MVP thank first? Our Dark Lord Satan of course; Which Song will Cold Play play first? Who the fuck cares, oh you do, um… Clocks, no Yellow… No Viva La Vida…yeah that’s the one; Over under on the final score? Take the under…
And Lastly… Who’s Going to Win
This isn’t a prop bet, but I’m sure you want to know who’s going to win so you can bet the farm on it and win big. So the winner of the Super Bowl, um big game will be… The Panthers, 38 to 17. Sorry Broncos fans, Cam Newton, and the Panthers are not Brett Farve and the Packers who wanted to give John Elway a win in the “Big Game”, Cam is a badass and wants that ring and will take it by any means necessary, except for cheating, that’s trademarked by The Patriots.
Enjoy the game everyone.
*Do not bet any actual money on this you will lose everything, Josh McCain and Goingfor2.com are not liable for any money lost while making stupid prop bets. Seriously, you have a problem call the National Gambling Hotline 1-800-522-4700 and seek immediate help. However, if this bet works by reading this web page you are legally liable to pay goingfor2.com and Josh McCain 95% off all winnings obtained through this bet. We know who you are and we will find you.
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