Why I Hate Boxing

In case you were living under a rock this past weekend there was this so-called “Mega Fight” between Manny Pacquiao and the undisputed “Free Hugs” champion of the world Floyd Mayweather.  Apparently the internet was not happy with the outcome of the fight, maybe it was the lack of action, the fact they hate Mayweather, or the astounding hundred dollar price tag.

As a long hater of boxing I knew this fight would suck and wouldn’t even come close to the hype.  So, as usual in the words of ESPN’s Keith Olbermann, “don’t take this completely seriously, I don’t mean it completely literally” but here are the 9 reasons why I hate Boxing.

1. The Mega Fight:  Since this fresh on everyone’s mind, how about that fight?  Good lord, whatever could go wrong with that fight certainly did.  First off it was five years too late, most folks realized this but still wanted to see what would happen.  Then the main event was delayed because cable and satellite companies were having trouble placing orders for the fight and others collapsing all together.  Then the fight itself.  It was kind of a snooze fest.  Mayweather did what he had to do to win, but that doesn’t mean we have to enjoy it.

Any time Pacquiao got any offense going Mayweather clinched him.  It was clear Mayweather had no intentions to fight Pacquiao (probably because Pacquiao isn’t female, more on that later) and he just wanted to keep intact his undefeated steak.  Pacquiao for his faults in the fight had a piss poor strategy which allowed for all the clinching, and now he says his shoulder was hurt.  Aren’t you glad you paid a hundred bucks to watch a gimp fight Barney the Dinosaur?

2. Jami Foxx: Does this man hate America?    No?  He could have fucking fooled me with his rendition of the National Anthem.  Holy shit, Jami, this wasn’t your concert, this wasn’t one of your terrible auto-tuned song, this was the National Anthem at a so-called “Mega Fight”.  Fuck dude, we don’t want to see you, just sing the song the way it’s supposed to be and get the fuck out of the ring.

Why couldn’t he have sung the Pilipino National Anthem, I’m sure with the amount of disrespect Foxx gave our anthem had he done the same to the Pilipino one, Pacquiao would have rushed the ring and knocked his ass out.  Even though it wouldn’t be Mayweather going down I’m sure everyone would have left the MGM Grand happy.  Jami, you were great in Ray, but you can’t sing for shit sir.  Please stick to terrible fucking movies and ruining comic book films, that’s what you’re best at.

3. PPV: Pay Per View might not be the sole reason for boxing’s slow death, but it’s one of many cancers plaguing the sport.  The first tumor of this cancer was the famous “Thrilla in Manila” which even for 1975 was a bargain at just $10, but PPV didn’t really take off until WWE Chairman Vince McMahon brought Wrestlemania to the masses via PPV (side note, Vince owns the rights to payperview.com).

Vince ushered in a new era of PPV and boxing saw all the dollar signs and jumped on that train full steam.  However, there is a huge difference between Vince’s WWE and all the different boxing promoters using the PPV system, Vince’s product is scripted and is sports entertainment, boxing (for the most part) is not scripted.  For your $55 Vince and the WWE will give you three hours of entertainment (if you’re a wrestling fan that is), however boxing, for a variety of prices, most north of $55 can’t guarantee that level of entertainment.

For your money you might see two guys try and kill each other and someone might eat canvas.  Or you could pay $100 and watch a guy try to punch someone who only ever just wanted to be hugged.  Point is, you never know what you’re going to get for your dollar and I’m sick and tired of the old guys in my office telling me how great boxing was when you could watch the best fighters fight on television for free.

4. Say, Hear, Speak No Evil: Boxing like most sports turns a blind eye to their athletes and their egregious acts against other human being. Whether it was Tyson for his physical abuse or his raping of an 18 year old girl to Mayweathers systemic violence against women or his own kids, boxing seems to just plugs its ears, covers its eyes, and avoids any questions about it.

I mean shit, this stuff is absolutely horrifying.  Just google Mayweather and “domestic abuse” and there is a good chance you’ll come across a witness statement from his son, who was nine at the time, describing how he saw Mayweather on top of Josie Harris and beating her, and how he left to get help and came back to see Mayweather kicking her.  Fuck man, I don’t even have a joke for this shit.  How horrifying must this be for a child?  And like most abusers, this isn’t isolated, like Tyson (and many other fighters) he’s a repeat offender, but boxing protects him and others because they make them a lot of money, and…

5. Different State Commissions: Every state has their own fighting commissions that can say whether or not a type of fight (boxing, MMA, etc.,) can take place in their state, as well as who is allowed to fight. In spite of numerous abuse charges and convictions Mayweather is constantly allowed to fight (except for when he’s actually in jail) because the Nevada commission knows if they don’t let him fight, another state will, and all those dollars that would go to Nevada will go elsewhere.

Seriously, it’s 2015, we need some sort of National Governing body.  Much like what happened before the Civil War when you leave up to individual states the most imbredded fucktards are the ones who start making the rules, and nothing gives a politician a hard-on quicker than the promise of a lot of money.

So very few commissions (or at least the ones that matter) will ever bar a fighter, probably short of him killing someone, in which there is a conviction as well as clear as day video from every angle showing him, and then states will bid to have him imprisoned there so their state commission can find a loop-hole and promote a fight from within the penitentiary.  Watch, that bullshit will happen one day.

6. Too Many Belts: Fuck me!  Did you see how many belts Mayweather and Pacquiao came to the ring with?  The WBFO, WBO, WBA, WWE, WCW, ECW, IBF, IHOP, Ring, Nathan’s Hotdog Challenge, shit, I’m not sure which is worse, the State Commissions or all these “governing” bodies.

Going back to wrestling or even MMA, we know the top level there, it’s the WWE and UFC.  One champion per division, and one belt.  Granted we know Mayweather is the best in his weight class because he has all the belts, probably, but in the heavy weights we don’t know, well we do, it’s Wladimir Klitschko, he owns 4 of the 5 titles, with Deontay Wilder owning the other one.  Seriously, why haven’t these two fought yet to unify all that shit?

America vs Russia just like in Rocky 4 (the best fucking Rocky ever!), and yes I know Klitschko is from Ukraine, but is name is Wladimir, we can sell that as Russian and make a killing.  Both our countries fucking hate each other, nothing gets PPV buys quite like xenophobia.  Much like one National Board, we need one fucking belt per the ever growing weight classes.  That way we know who the man is and who isn’t.

It will make the casual fan more engaged because he’ll ask, who the champ is (and when we say champ we mean heavy weight, fuck those other weight classes) there will be one answer.  Of course like everything else in sports, there is more money in more bodies and organizations, so that’s not going away anytime soon.

7. Mayweather: Every sport, especially the individual ones, need a villain.  It makes the sport more entertaining, especially when the villain is so fucking hard to beat.  But that villainy needs to be villain-lite.  We still have to respect that villain, because in the end they’re not really a villain, we perceive them that way, like the Yankees, Patriots, New York Rangers (worked the NHL into another list, fuck you for not watching), and LeBron James.

I hate all these fuckers, but I respect them (mostly), but Floyd was like “you want a villain?  Fine, I got’cha” and he fucking ran with it, but unfortunately he has maybe taken one too many hits in the head (you know, between hugs) and became an actual fucking villain.

First, he hangs out with Justin Bieber, which is really fucking weird to begin with, where are the Michael Jackson jokes, but Bieber is truly evil and that’s really all Mayweather needed to do to be hated, but nope, he kept going.  As mentioned a few numbers back, he’s a serial woman beater (no jokes there).  Then of course he thinks we also hate him because of all his money, and where some people always hate those with when they are without, most hate him the way he flaunts it.

I will never hate on anyone for making money, legally, and people pay to see Floyd fight, well, they pay to see him hopefully get knocked the fuck out, so he’s earned that money, and I don’t hate on his excess.  That’s his money; he can do what he wants with it, but fuck, stop being a dick about it.  We just got out of one of our worse recessions in recent history and on television so see Floyd just bragging about his money, wasting it, throwing it away, and various other dick things with it.  Fuck him for that, and fuck you if you defend him.

Mayweather is indeed the villain boxing needed in the sense that he would drive up buys like any good heel in wrestling, but his villainy isn’t a show like say Hulk Hogan going to the nWo, no Mayweather is a real piece of shit, who had several reporters barred from the fight for having the nerve to report on the facts of his many domestic violence accusations and convictions.

As you know I hate LeBron James, but in spite of that, he’s probably a cool guy who I will allow to buy me a new Samsung S6 Curved (or Samsung I just gave you a free plug, hook me up or the next one goes to Apple), but not Mayweather, there is nothing redeemable about him, he’s a piece of trash and boxing will be better when he’s gone.

8. Heavyweights: The heavyweight division has all but disappeared from the mainstream of boxing.  I honestly can’t remember the last time I saw any marketing behind a heavyweight bout.  This isn’t good for boxing in general.  For one, ask a random person to name any boxer and you’ll get a lot of Ali, Foreman, Tyson, Frasier, Holyfield, and some white guy will say Rocky Marciano, because that’s all we got, fuck you (plus you know, he was 49-0).

These names come up more often because the heavyweight division is usually filled with brutes who want to kill each other, where the other weight classes are more technical with their smaller and flimsy fighters, the heavyweights know they’re big, dumb punching machines.  The best bouts are between the unstoppable force and immovable object.  It’s larger than life titans battling.

Now ask those same people to name a current heavyweight.  You’ll be lucky to get a Klitsckho answer out of them; odds are you’re just going to get stares.  Holyfield was the last great heavyweight, but Tyson was the last one where it was so much fun to watch.  Since Tyson left boxing has just limped along waiting for someone to put it out of its misery.

9. Entourages: What the fuck are with these so-called “Bad Men” needing fifty fucking people walking them to the ring?  I get the trainer, the cut man, the spit bucket bitch, but who the fuck are the rest of these people?  Why the fuck is the Burger King and Justin Bieber walking Mayweather to the ring.  Also, either one on their own is fucking creepy as hell, but both, holy shit, those are horrors my brain can’t even process and would give H.P Lovecraft nightmares.

  I get entourages outside of the ring.  Famous people are insecure as fuck and need as many people kissing their asses as possible.  So all these hanger-ons get money, run-off chicks, and associated fame from hanging around these celebs and the celebs can tell themselves that people really do like them (when they really don’t), but why do boxers need these fuckers walking with them to the ring?

I want one boxer, just one, come out to some sort of haunting music from Lord of the Rings or Requiem for a Dream (the most hauntingly beautiful soundtrack ever) and just walk out with a black robe with the hood up like he’s the fucking Undertaker.  Right there you’re going to win the mind games.  Your opponent is going to be like “what the fuck is this?  Where are all his boys?  He alone, what’s with that fucking music?”  He’ll turn to his trainer and his trainer will say “just stick to the plan” and his response will be “plan, fuck your plan, there is no strategy for crazy!”  That’s a badass right there, a man who needs no one, a Drax the Destroyer of Boxing.  I long for this but like everything I want in sports it’s too awesome to exist.  Fuck me.

So that’s it, that’s why I hate Boxing, you can disagree with me all you want but I you’re wrong and I hate you.  However, if you’d like to know more about me, and why wouldn’t you, you can follow me on the Twitter @jomac006 or learn about my awesome writing career here https://www.facebook.com/fjoshuamccain?ref=hl , or if you’re a fine lady you should swipe right on Tinder.

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