Why I Hate the Month of July

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July has one thing going for it, it’s the birth month of the greatest fucking country ever to grace this spinning rock we call home.  July 4th the birthday of Mother Fucking AMERICA!  Stand up and show some respect.  Other than that, July really fucking sucks.  It’s hot, it’s humid, and sports wise there isn’t a lot going on.  This is the doldrums of American sports, and yesterday and today are the worst.  So in the words of ESPN’s Keith Olbermann, “don’t take this completely seriously, I don’t mean it completely literally” but here is why I Hate the Month of July.

Yesterday, July 8th was the day after the MLB All-Star game, or in other words the most boring day in American Sports.  There was literally nothing going on, no baseball, no hockey, no basketball, and no football.  The sports world as we know it came to a grinding halt.  Today, the 9th, isn’t much better but at least there is the British Open, which is a PGA Major, but as much as I enjoy playing golf, I can only actually watch it for the amount of time it takes me to reach over onto the table and switch the channel to Fox5 or FX to watch either How I Met Your Mother or Modern Family repeats.  So yeah, sports wise today sucks balls as well.

Other than these two boring days, the month of July doesn’t have much to offer in the way of sports either.  We pretty much only have baseball to watch (and NASCAR and PGA but come one now, who the fuck is watching those) and July baseball is the hardest to watch because the games don’t really feel like they matter because the season is so fucking long.  Sure they do matter, especially when come September and October your team in only a game up or a game back of making the playoffs, but in July you’re just like, “fuck can the fall get here already so we have play-off baseball and the NFL.”

The only two sports related things in the month of July that are any fun are the MLB trade deadline (which is probably the best trade deadline in all of sports) and the Homerun Derby, which is only fun if you watch it with the sound turned off so you don’t have to listen to fucking Chris Berman yell “back back back back…” Jesus man, shut the fuck up and retire.

While I’m on the subject of shitty things on ESPN, last night the four letter network took advantage of the lull and aired its ESPY awards.  I don’t know if there is a more self-serving circle jerk than the ESPYs.  I could probably write a full column on that but that would require me to watch this fucking monstrosity and I refuse to give the mothership that kind of validation.  If there is one thing that doesn’t need an award show it is fucking sports.  For one, every sport has their own awards, which are actually meaningful and earned and not based on popularity, sports have the ultimate award and that is their respective championships.  Who gives a fuck what the fuck heads at ESPN think when you’re raising Lord Stanley’s Cup over your head or hoisting the Lombardi trophy with confetti falling all around you?  No one, that’s who.

So dear reader, I’ve decided to help you out this July (I know it’s now half over, but fuck you, I got your back for the next 15 days) and I’m going to help you figure out some activities to pass the time until August when the NFL begins to kick into gear.

1. Read a book, preferably one without pictures, you’re a fucking adult, act like it.
2. Have or go to a cook-out.  I know if you’re reading this site you probably don’t have many friends, but the beauty about most cookouts around this time is they’re pseudo parties, just sneak in and act like you belong.  You’ll do fine, I have faith.
3. Scratch that last one, you’re a troll you don’t belong with others, so go buy Batman: Arkham Knight for the X-Box One (because only people who hate MURICA would buy a Japanese made PS4) and enjoy beating the shit out of Gotham’s underworld.  Man is that game great — 11 out of 10.
4. Go to a strip club…I’m sorry, a “gentleman’s” club and see women with daddy issues shake their tits in your face for wadded up ones.  Sure she’ll tell you she’s using the money for college but we know it’s to feed her 3 kids from 3 different daddies and to pay for her fake tits, but whatever, we’re not here to judge.
5. Go to the beach…do I really have to give a reason, it’s the fucking beach, it’s the best, unless you live in Jersey, then go to another state’s beach.  Not Virginia though, I’m tired of you mother fuckers clogging up 95.
6. Go to the gym.  I know this might be daunting, you’re probably a slovenly out of shape piece of trash and you’re about to walk into my domain, and yes, myself and every other member of the bro-sciencetology will be judging you the moment you walk in.  But don’t let that discourage you…wait, nevermind, stay the fuck out of the gym, it’s crowded enough in there and I don’t need your dumbass doing curls in the squat rack.
7. Go back and reread my past articles.  Seriously, it’s not like you have anything better to do.
8. Go see Trainwreck, apparently it’s good and Amy Schumer could use the money for some lipo.  I bet she’s adorable under all that pudge. Also LeBron is in it and tries to act, so maybe it will give us another reason to hate him.
9. Join a cult, I hear it’s a great way to meet friends.  Also they serve Kool-aid.
10. Lastly, binge watch a bunch of shows you might have missed when they first aired.  I’m currently catching up on Madmen.  It’s fucking great.

So that’s it, that’s why I hate the month of July, you can disagree with me all you want but I want you to know you’re wrong and I hate you.  However, if you’d like to know more about me, and why wouldn’t you, you can follow me on the Twitter @jomac006 or learn about my awesome writing career here https://www.facebook.com/fjoshuamccain?ref=hl , or if you’re a fine lady you should swipe right on Tinder

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