Why I Hate The NFC East

(image curtsey of bloggingdirty.com)

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Can you feel it dear reader, it’s in the air, no not West Nile Virus (sorry Maryland), but football season.  That’s right the preseason kicks off this week so we can all enjoy a bunch of meaningless games that will be played by mostly future Canadian and Arena Football League All-Stars (so “yay” I guess), all the while praying the starters for our favorite team don’t get hurt during the few plays that they’re in.  Or in Arian Fosters’s case before you even actually play in a game. THAT’S WHAT YOU GET FOR BEING A GODLESS HEATHEN! For more on that check out our new writer Kellie Ruttar’s article.

So to kick off this NFL season, I’ve decided to Hate on the most overrated division in all of American Sports (maybe, cue Jeremy Clarkson voice, the world).  So you know the drill, in the words of former ESPN commentator Keith Olbermann “don’t take this completely seriously, I don’t mean it completely literally” but here is Why I Hate the NFC East.

The Owners:  Granted, pretty much all of the owners in the NFL (including the Commissioner) are a bunch of twats with their heads shoved so far up their own asses they can see their lunch as they chew, but the NFC East seems to have the cream of the crop when it comes to these fuck-tards.  Let’s start with the lowest hanging fruit that is Washington Redskins owner Danny Boy Snyder.  First off since he’s become the owner the team “Trail of Tears” has been given a new definition in the dictionary and that’s the road leaving Fed Ex Field every Sunday.  Holy shit there are only two teams more inept than the Skins (thank Odin for the Jets and Browns).

First Snyder tried to buy a Super Bowl like he was George Steinbrenner of the Yankees, except the NFL has a salary cap so this makes it hard, not to mention all the players he overpaid were all over the hill and were shells of their former selves, though we got to watch Bruce Smith break the all-time sack record as a Redskin so that counts for something right?  Also he fired the very competent GM Charley Casserly, because fuck winning.

Then when that didn’t work he brought back Joe Gibbs, which by the way shows the brilliance in Gibbs’s coaching because of the four years of Joe 2.0 we made the playoffs twice (no coach since Gibbs retired the first time in 93 had accomplished that by the way), but the two teams he did it with had no business in the playoffs when you look at them on paper, yet they both went 10-6 somehow.  That’s a fucking coach right there.  I could go on but there is more to get to, but I’ll just say this, even though I like the name “Redskins” I think it’s shameful the way Snyder trouts out Native Americans on a weekly basis to say “hey they’re cool with the name, leave me alone.”  Dan, here’s how this problem goes away, first be like Jack Kent Cook and ignore it, second, stop being a fucking asshole.  I’m pretty sure most of the people are against the name now because of you, just look at the members of the media who were cool with the name when Cook owned the team and now they’ve switched sides.  It’s not because they all of sudden decided the name was offensive (though that’s what they’ll tell you) it’s because they hate you so fucking much.  Stop being you.

Now we come to Jerry “Jerr-ah” Jones.  He’s just as a bad as Snyder is in every way, he’s meddling, he’s the devil, and most NFL fans despise him, but he gets a pass from the media, why, because he has charisma.  Sure he looks like the fucking Crypt Keeper and he’s the sole reason why Dallas has won a total of one play-off game in 20-plus years, but he’s the best of the best when it comes to being a used car salesman and the idiot fans in Dallas lap it up.  Dallas you deserve a shitty owner like that because you just go along with whatever he does and you enjoy being 8-8 year after year because you ‘re a mediocre team in a mediocre city, in the most over rated state in the Union.  Fuck Jerr-ah and fuck you.

Also, Jones has fired three of the greatest coaches in NFL history because he wanted to be involved.  First he didn’t even have the balls to fire Tom Landry face to face.  Landry found out he was fired when he was driving to the Cowboys facility and heard the radio that they were about to interview the new Cowboys head coach Jimmy Johnson, then he fired Jimmy because this man who put together a team that dominated back to back Super Bowls didn’t want to give Jerry control over player personnel. Then later he brought in Bill Parcels, who he later fired for the same reason he fired Jimmy.  Fuck Jerry Jones.

Jon Marra Jr.  Fuck you, you stupid fucking cunt.  You being the butt buddy of the Commish got the Redskins and Cowboys screwed out cap space for two years because they took advantage of an uncapped year to restructure contracts.  Which every fucking team did, and five other teams did it worse than the Skins and Boys but avoided punishment.  Marra, you deserve to be hit by a truck.

Jeff Lurie… I don’t know much about you because you, unlike the other three, keep a low profile, but you’re an NFL owner and in Philly so I can only assume you’re a terrible person and there are bodies probably buried in your basement.

The Fans:  NFC East Fans are just the worst.  Giants’ fans are loud mouths from New Jersey and New York, and because they’re also Yankee fans they feel like they’re NFL royalty, news flash New Yorkers, you’re not, you’re one step above Jet fans.

Redskins and Cowboy fans are pretty similar, they both over-estimate their team’s chances every season, because this year, beyond all logic, SUPER BOWL!  However, if you live in the DC area (and this probably happens in Philly and NYC as well) Cowboy fans just pop up.  These people are not from Dallas or even Texas for that matter, though they’ll claim to have a wife’s uncle’s cousin’s ex-roommate who is from Dallas so that justifies them liking “dem boyz”, but truth be told these people are just assholes and root for the Cowboys because they’re assholes.  Also these fans also cheer for the Yankees and whatever team LeBron is currently playing for, and before LeBron they were Laker fans.  You’re a bunch of assholes with no real rooting interest you’re just front-runners and can never truly know the joy of winning.

Philly fans.  Where do I start? You throw batteries, you booed Santa, and your old stadium had a jail in it.  Philly that’s the trifecta right there, stand up and take a bow, you take asshole to a whole new level.  Fights constantly break out in your stadium and you talk an awful lot of shit for the only NFC East team to never win a Super Bowl, in fact your biggest claim to fame is a shitty Marky Mark Walberg movie.  So yeah, your only player who is worthy of national attention was a bartender who made the team because of a publicity stunt.  Go Eagles!

Over Hype:  Turn on any NFL show (radio or TV) at the beginning of this season and some moron (or several) will hype up the NFC East as the toughest division in football.  At one time this was true, that time was 1982-1993, that’s 22 years ago folks, since then this division has been lucky to have two teams in the playoffs at one time, but mostly the division winner comes down to the last two weeks of the season between two teams who don’t really deserve to be in the playoffs and the winner is usually bounced during wild card weekend.  I can guarantee some asshole on ESPN or the NFL Network is going to predict the Cowboys to win the Super Bowl this year, probably Michael Irvin.

There it is reader.  That’s Why I Hate the NFC East, which is sad because my favorite team plays in it. The NFL regular season is on the horizon and right now we can all take comfort in the delusion that our team hasn’t lost yet and that this year will be our year (though deep down we all know we’re going to suck).  But my friends, this is why I hate the NFC East, you can disagree with me all you want but I assure you, you’re wrong and I hate you.  However, if you’d like to know more about me, and why wouldn’t you, you can follow me on the Twitter @jomac006 or learn about my awesome writing career here, or if you’re a fine lady you should swipe right on Tinder.

Also, one last note, for those of you with a life outside of degenerate sports gambling, hop on over to my newly launched site www.clashofthenerds.com for your geeky goodness.

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