Why I Hate The NFL In London

Do you like football games at 9:30 am on a Sunday (or, oh god, 6:30 am on the West Coast), because I sure as fuck don’t.  Well, guess what for you assholes who like it, the deal has now been extended to 2020 at Wembley Stadium and rumors of the NFL trying to get a game in Germany.  So sit back, relax, and remember, don’t take this completely seriously, I don’t mean it completely literally, but here is Why I Hate The NFL in London.

Fucking With My Fantasy: 

Teams are required to submit any inactives by 11:30 am for their games, this isn’t for fantasy owners mind you (though it’s a perk) but for fair play for the other team.  So with this you know who to start and who to sit or if you need to run to free agency in a panic.  Well, guess what, with 9:30 am start time you have to make split decisions without enough info.  I’ll give you two real-world examples that could have been disastrous to me.

When healthy Jordan Reed has been a fantastic fantasy TE.  He’s Kirk Cousin’s favorite target (especially in the red zone) but the key there is “when healthy”, so in week 7 my choices at TE were Reed taking on the Bucs and Julius Thomas of the Jags, who were facing the Bill…in fucking merry old London England.  The match-up favored Reed, but he was questionable and had missed the previous week due to a concussion and hadn’t practiced all week.  I couldn’t wait for 11:30 to see if Reed would play I had to act and picked Thomas, who got me a whopping .40 points (he can burn in hell for all eternity for that) and Reed of course plays and is a big part of that Redskins comeback and would have gotten me 19.30 points.  I lost my game and hold on first place by 7 points.  Fuck you Thomas and fuck you London.

I woke one dreary ass morning to a dilemma.  My starting QB was on a bye week and my other QB Tyrod Taylor was listed “Out” for his game, so I was in a bit of a panic at 8 am.  I quickly checked the Free Agency, knowing there was a game in London and I’d have to decide quickly and saw Jay Cutler available so I grabbed him.  I’m not sure what happened next but somehow I ended up with Jimmy Clausen instead, a mistake I would have caught if I didn’t have to make this fucking choice at an ungodly hour on a Sunday morning.  So I went back to bed and then hours later while watching the Bears get dismantled by the Lions I notice my QB had no points, and I was like, that’s odd, because, in spite of playing really shitty, Cutler should have got me some points.  That’s when, in my horror, I noticed who I had starting.  I have never prayed so hard for a quarterback to get hurt than I did for Cutler just so I could maybe salvage my day.  Luckily for me, my opponent’s team shat the bed and I won by the skin of my teeth.

The Quality of the Picture:

I don’t know if it’s broadcasting something live from across the pond, the kind of cameras or just the dreary fucking weather that seems to hang over London.  I actually just picture London under a permanent fog even though I know that isn’t true, it’s fucking Jack the Ripper level fog is what I imagine.  Honestly why does it look like there is Vaseline on the lens, does the NFL really need a soft focus?  Well pretty boy Tom Brady might, but there is no way the NFL is shipping him overseas, London games are for shit teams like Detroit or Jacksonville, how the Redskins and Niners haven’t made the trip is beyond me.

It’s a Cash Grab:

Like Inter-League play in MLB or throwback uniforms in the NFL London games which were once a special thing are just now a way for the NFL to get more money.  Now I’ll never fault anyone for making money but fuck, we’re running this London game into the ground.  I also have it on good word since my job has me working closely with some folks from Great Britain that it’s mostly Americans going to these games and not too many Britts.

Delaying the Inevitable: 

Can we just move the Jags over to London now?  I mean, it appears we’re going to have 8 games a year there eventually, might as well just put the Jags over there, fuck no one in the US gives a shit about them, hell I forget they exist as a team half the time.  We can change the name to something more British like the Silly Nannies and not only can we go on forgetting about them (except when our favorite teams are playing them), but we don’t even have to worry about their stink being on our shores anymore, it’s a win-win.  Plus it means Andrew Luck‘s grotesque chin beard can feel at home once a year when his shitty Colts travel over to London for their bi-annually trouncing of the Jags.

Bonus Thing I Like:

One thing I like is that I can wake up to football and not some god awful pregame show.  Fuck do I hate them so much.  Since the NFL is now cohesive, and Fox, ESPN, CBS, NBC, and NFL Network all advertise each other’s games can we just get one pregame show to air on all the Networks, we can get the best of the stations, and by best I mean the only ones I don’t want to murder.  It can be JB, Howie Long, Dion, Rich Eisen, and Kurt Warner (Notice how no one from ESPN made that list, fuck those guys, fuck them straight to hell with a giant demon dildo).

So that is Why I Hate the NFL in London, you can disagree with me, but I’d like you to know you’re wrong and I hate you.  However, if you’d like to know more about me, and why wouldn’t you, you can follow me on the Twitter @jomac006 or learn about my awesome writing career here , pick up my books at Amazon, check out my nerdy website Clash of the Nerds, and lastly if you’re a fine lady you should swipe right on Tinder.

ATTN Dynasty Commissioners: Do you want to do something cool for your league? How about a 1-hour live show dedicated to YOUR league? Team-by-team breakdowns, rankings, and more. For details and to book a show, visit: GoingFor2.com/plp.