Welcome back football fans. Last time we learned why your AFC football team makes you a complete and utter douche. If you missed it, check it out! I’m bringing my inner bitch goddess back for the second half of this series.
Now that we got the easy stuff out-of-the-way, I’m taking on the biggest and baddest teams in the NFL with the NFC edition. So strap in, put on your big kid panties and prepare to be offended.
NFC North
Chicago Bears
I got this love hate thing with the city of Chicago. On one hand you got Grant Park which is lovely and of course you got the deep dish pizza. My East coast family threatened to disown me because I claim Chicago pizza is the best in the world.
Then you got the rest of the city. I mean damn, just driving around you’re afraid you’re gonna get murdered. I’m a strong confident woman, I’ve hung out in Detroit and driven through Newark, but parts of Chicago scare even me. You fans are a pretty ruthless bunch.
Now there are a lot of teams that suck much worse than the Bears even though they haven’t won the big game since ’85. Fans are still quick to burn jerseys, shame players, and even instruct players to kill themselves. Taking the majority of the hate lately is Jay Cutler. Just look at this guy, he’s a total douche. No one has anything positive to say, he’s been benched, called locker room poison, and just flat-out sucks at football. The guy has no charisma, no leadership, and he just doesn’t give a fuck what you think of him. Not exactly qualities you look for in a man you’re going to trust run your offense.
When I look at Jay Cutler I want to hug his head with his sad little puppy eyes to my chest and tell him it will all be okay. Cutler is just a sad misunderstood man who needs to feel safe to cry after absorbing all the mean things you fans say. That doesn’t mean he can play football because he fucking sucks, but he’s still human.
Only one attached to the franchise that wasn’t a total waste of life was Mike Ditka. Fans have been Ditka riding Iron Mike for ages. Interesting side note, Ditka almost ran against Barrack Obama for mayor of Chicago. Can you imagine? Mayor Mother Fucking Ditka. I wonder how that would have played out if he didn’t drop out.
So yeah, if you worship a guy with a name that sounds like dick, want your quarterback to legitimately kill himself, act tough even though you’re a bitch, you might be a Bears fan, and you’re definitely a douche.
Detroit Lions
We mentioned how scary Chicago is, but Detroit is up there as well. What makes Detroit a little less scary is the fact that not even the dangerous criminals want to live there anymore. Crime statistic, 1 in 48 people in Detroit are attacked, raped, or killed every year. They have one of the worst unemployment rates in the country.
The bright news though is it’s a really cheap place to live, you can buy a house in Detroit for less money than any other city in the U.S. I don’t know why you want to, but you could. The city is a total pit. It’s a desolate wasteland. It looks like the zombie apocalypse especially with all the cracked out homeless hanging around. Oh, and your casinos suck too.
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Once on a road trip I needed to make an emergency pee stop and there was no waiting any longer and I stopped at a fast food joint right near the Eight Mile. I walked in and straight to the ladies room, which was filthy I might add, and on my way out the patrons were looking at me like I was some tasty rare morsel they wanted to eat and no, not in a good way, more like in the Hannibal Lecter way.
The Detroit Lions suck so much and were so effected by the old practice of TV blackouts, their stadium had to start offering promotions like free beer just to get people to buy tickets. Just in case your friends and colleagues might see you on the television, it’s not uncommon for these fans to show up with bags on their head to hide their identities. Maybe that also prevents local authorities from identifying them too, who knows.
In 2008 the Lions went an entire season without winning a game. How this is possible I’ll never understand, I mean not one? You’d think eventually a team with a playoff spot guaranteed would feel bad for you. Just like real lions, the Detroit Lion fans are an endangered species. As less and less children are growing up in Detroit and the old fans die out no one is replacing them. It is only a matter of time before Lions fans disappear completely.
For less than the price of a cup of coffee you can help. Donate this money to the Lions and maybe they can afford to get Ndamukong Suh back. Help them Suh, you’re their only hope! Until the Lions find the next big player that wont win them a championship because everyone else will still suck, those few fans that are staying loyal are total douches.
Green Bay Packers
I should just point out those dumb cheese hats and call this one done. Nothing screams douche like a wedge of dairy product on your head. This fan base is like a cult.
Having historically above average quarterbacks, like Aaron Rodgers and Brett Favre certainly hasn’t hurt their bandwagon. When you live in a place like Green Bay there really isn’t much to do aside from obsess over your football team, drink beer, and hunt. As such, these fans typically come across as fat, hillbilly alcoholics with blood alcohol levels higher than their IQ. They worship football so much in Green Bay that Brett Let-Me-Text-You-My-Penis Favre refused to leave the spotlight and instead faded into some sad shadow of his former self trying to find a little more glory after being ejected from the city that once held him so high on a pedestal.
One statistic I found rather funny, in 2015 the Packers are tied with the Colts for most number of players arrested in 2015. When it’s cold and snowy drunken revelry and law breaking seems to be the only pastime, so I guess I can’t blame them, I mean, if I had a nickel. While Packers fans can tell you anything and everything about their team and its rich history, they don’t know shit about the rest of the NFL, try holding a general football conversation with one, you’ll see what I mean.
I’ll give these guys one complement though, they’re some of the nicest douches in the NFL, but I still don’t want to hang out with them.
Minnesota Vikings
Not gonna lie, back in the day I liked watching the Vikings. I was a fan of the Daunte Culpepper throwing to Randy Moss era, I mean, let’s be honest, who wasn’t? Football just seemed a hell of a lot more fun back then.
That fun team has been long dead however. Now the most exciting news out of Minnesota is the saga of Adrian Peterson. Whiney little bitch didn’t even want to play for the team after they hurt his feelings by not standing with him on the accusations that he beat his kid. Now I’m not a parent (hurray for birth control!) and I certainly don’t advocate child abuse, but I realize there is a time when every whiney little entitled fuck of a child needs a swift smack in the ass to shut him up, but when you’re as muscular and strong as an NFL player, maybe you should like know your limits or something? And then he claimed he was the victim when everyone turned against him for the incident. Real douche genius right there.
I don’t mean to be insensitive (well okay, maybe I do) but when one of your kids has already DIED from child abuse, you’d think you would pause a moment before raising a hand, or stick in this case, to one of your other kids. You guys have never won a Super Bowl and before that you never won a world championship. Yet you still persist in painting your faces and dressing up like total douche bags to root for your shitty team. I admire loyalty but when you have to show it by looking like an ass instead of defending your team with knowledge, you’re going to come across like a loser just like your team.
Vikings fans seem to have this total inferiority complex on account of being so close to the Packers. I mean both cities are cold snowy shit holes but at least Green Bay has a team that wins sometimes. Go grab your Prince albums and listen to Purple Rain in your dark rooms douche bags.
NFC South
Atlanta Falcons
You guys get credit for one thing only and that is Mike Vick. Michael Vick has had a long and explosive career and this is where it all started. Sucks that your owner fucked it up with a racist remark.
After Vick’s trouble with the law for dog fighting (I give him a break on this because unlike most criminals in the NFL, he did his time.
Side note, when Vick played for the Eagles I liked walking my Maltese while wearing his jersey to see how many dirty looks I’d get), Arthur Blank made the comment that Vick coming back to the NFL after his time in the joint would depend on whether or not he “eats a lot of fried chicken” during his time in prison. On top of that when looking for a new head coach, Blank looked to Bill Parcells. Parcells came out in his book and stated that his decision not to go to the Atlanta Falcons was due to race. He did not agree with Blank wanting to cater to the African-American fan base of the team.
Now a lot of people think Parcells is the racist in this situation, but I think of it differently. It is the goal of proper race relations to treat everyone equal right? Do you think black fans would enjoy knowing that they were catered to and treated differently than white fans? The fact that Blank thought he needed to address his team needs differently in order to keep his black fan base happy after losing Michael Vick proves to me what an out of touch racist fuck he really is.
If Julio Jones ever gets injured, maybe the Falcons can pick up February Calendar hero Riley Cooper. In a place like the south where race is very much a hot button issue, Blank should have known better before making the chicken comment and should have known better than to try to pander to fans based on color. When it comes to the city of Atlanta, it is rather progressive for being in the heart of the south. The thing with Atlanta is although many people live there, not many people are actually FROM there, this makes Falcons fans a bunch of bandwagon douche bags or ignorant homers.
Enjoy your recent successes, I don’t see it lasting, but I’m sure your original home town team will welcome you douche fans back with welcome arms, bless your hearts.
Carolina Panthers
They should really rename the team the North Carolina Panthers. The southern Carolina isn’t so much a fan of the team. Statistically the Steelers and Seahawks seem to be the teams of choice down there, weird right? That’s the power of the bandwagon.
Panthers fans again prove that racism is alive and well in the south. When you start off with a fine upstanding southern gentleman like Jake Delhomme (god I loved his voice! I miss hearing him speak) as your quarterback and then go to Cam Newton the exact polar opposite there is bound to be racism thrown around. After he posted an Instagram picture that showed him hanging out doing manly outdoor stuff in Mexico with some buds, everyone started accusing Cam Newton of being in a gang.
The guys in the photo, aside from daring to be black in public, were making hand signs and dressed with scarves by their mouths, but that was to keep the dust from their mouths after riding ATVs in a dirty landscape. It’s ridiculous that people would jump to these conclusions for one photo. Cam responded by posting another photo of the same guys wearing suits and looking quite handsome and distinguished claiming they all had college degrees and asking how many of the haters could say the same.
The Carolinas aren’t exactly known for being a Mecca of higher education. I kinda like the snark of Cam Newton, I respect that. There are also criticisms of Newton’s attitude, calling him arrogant and aloof. I’ve been called arrogant and aloof, sometimes a narcissist and sometimes a fucking bitch straight from hell, but honestly, I think some people just don’t get it. When you have big shoes to fill and there are expectations that you are going to take a less than great group of guys and turn them into champions all with a fan base that really doesn’t give a shit, there’s a couple of ways to play it. One way is to act scared and fold under pressure, the other is to put out as much confidence as you can and act like you also don’t give a shit.
If I had to deal with douche wannabe football fans like the majority of Panthers fans, I’d probably choose the arrogant aloof path too. It’s cool Cam, I get it. I still hate your team and wouldn’t want you as my quarterback, but I still get you my dude.
Those that claim fandom of the Panthers aren’t even full-time fans. The Panthers give them something to do when it’s not Nascar or college sports time. No one cares that they have a football team. If any of you Panthers fucks are even out there reading this, lay off Cam already and fuck off douches.
New Orleans Saints
“Who dat? Who dat? Who dat say dey gonna beat dem Saints?” My inner grammar Nazi dies inside every time I see that who dat shit. I mean what the fuck Saints fans? Really? English much? Yeah, I know a lot of them are “French-speaking” or more accurately that hybrid Creole shit. Well news for you, je parle Francais. Le Creole est Francais avec une terrible grammaire. The grammar and spelling is so bad in New Orleans they don’t even know how to spell breeze, what’s this Brees shit on the back of Drew’s jersey?
In actuality, I like Drew Brees, I just feel bad he no longer has a team that can keep up. New Orleans is a fun city, or it was before it was driven farther into poverty and crime after hurricane Katrina. You know your city sucks when the Super Dome is the safest place to be in the case of severe weather. It was the most action the end zones had seen for a while. It was cool though seeing the fans rally after the fact and stand behind the team. I give you kudos for that. Several new generations of bandwagon fans were born.
Unfortunately the recent suckage of the Saints has forced those fans to move on to Seattle or New England fans but considering the city is still below sea level, once the next natural disaster hits you guys can pick up a new generation of bandwagon fans. They call New Orleans the Big Easy, I think this is in reference to the lady Saints fans. We are talking about women here who show their tits in exchange for cheap plastic beads. Now I don’t know about any of you other football women, but I wont show my tits for anything less than precious stones or maybe dinner with a nice bottle of Pinot Noir. Even then you’d have to be better looking than those douche frat boys that flood Bourbon Street for Mardi Gras. I think you catch crabs just looking at those guys.
The frat boy tourists are better than the locals though, at least with them you get a full set of teeth. I’m not sure how it’s okay to call the team the Saints when they were caught with one of the biggest -gate scandals out there. The infamous bountygate. Paying guys bonuses to injure their opponents. I kinda get behind this. There’s plenty a quarterback I’d like to see significantly injured in the line of football, I got one down thanks to my Eagles taking out Romo the Homo. Maybe New Orleans can reinstate the bounty next time they see Eli, I’ll throw down on that action. Call me, we’ll keep that shit on the down low. Advocating violence aside, the uneducated fucks and pretty boy college bros that call themselves Saints fans are douches.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers
I’m not entirely sure what happened to this franchise. After Jon Gruden won them the Super Bowl in 2002 they all of a sudden haven’t been able to accomplish shit. Gruden and Tony Dungy were the only coaches in the history of the team to have a winning record. These guys have been going through coaches faster than Jameis Winston goes through five-finger discounted crab legs.
Losing may be good for drafting degenerate rookies but it’s pretty much not so good for a coaching career. There is also this whole Neanderthal thing they’ve got going for them. For those that are unaware let me explain. In a time when women have evolved away from being housewives barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen and into the much more glamorous life of career girls, the Bucs seem to think we are all a bunch of ignorant fucks with less intelligence than rocks.
Women have moved into rolls as coaches, referees, and we even have the right to vote. In order to attract and retain more female fans to root for their quarterback who was accused of rape and chastised for yelling inappropriate sexual comments at women on his college campus, the Bucs started earlier this year the RED movement. The program as described by a member of the Glazer family: “RED is a groundbreaking women’s movement designed to recognize and celebrate our female fan base.” They sought to teach helpless women that thought they might want to root for the Buccaneers because they wear such a lovely shade of burgundy and it might help them keep and attract the attention of a big strong man to open their jars and kill spiders.
Topics covered by the program included what snacks would be sure to impress when hostessing a football party, fun craft ideas for decorating with a Buccaneers theme, how to blend Buccaneers pride with the latest in ladies fashion, and information on those crucial football terms that have had me confused for years!
I mean until RED came along, I had no idea what the play clock was! Shit you not dear readers, play clock was the first term the program decided to demystify for my inferior female mind. Did you know that it actually has no baring on how much time is left in the game? Doug Martin did a promo video for the movement letting us all know that as a running back it is his job to run with the football!
To all my fellow ladies, take heart with a program like this if you study and try really hard (but not too hard, because that’s what men are for) you can follow in my footsteps and be a jaded NFL writer too someday. It’s fun, you get to do things like say anyone rooting for this backwards team looking to bring women into the year 1950 is a total fucking ignorant douche!
NFC West
Arizona Cardinals
This is probably one of the dumbest team names in all of the NFL. The noble cardinals, the birds not the shitty football players, are most commonly seen in pictures of snowy woodlands. There bright red feathers stand out against the pure white and dense forests making them true beauties of the air. In looking at the places cardinals are most commonly seen, Arizona barely registers on the maps.
In one tiny part of Southern Arizona there is a very small number of cardinal sightings and they are nonexistent in the rest of the state. Why the fuck would you name your team after a bird that has absolutely nothing to do with your dried up overly hot piece of desert? This is totally senseless.
Cardinals are also clergy members of the Catholic church but only 14% of the population of Arizona claims Catholicism so that makes it more common than the bird but still, weird thing to name your football team. The closest I’ve come to Arizona is Las Vegas so all my tales of the misery of the state are second-hand. I have heard it is not uncommon to receive second degree burns from the metal in your car, to be treated as a piece of shit because you don’t know how to speak Spanish, and to wake up in the morning to find all your copper pipes have been stolen from your home. Sounds like paradise.
Arizona is one of those places that doesn’t really have locals, it’s just a bunch of poor unfortunate bastards looking to move somewhere warm that got sucked in by a good housing market and then couldn’t afford to leave again.
I talk about bandwagon fans a lot but here’s a fun nugget of info: Emory University conducted a study earlier this year which took into account all kind of fan behaviors and shit and found that the Arizona Cardinals have the largest number of bandwagon fans in the NFL. The biggest factor in deciding this was that ticket prices and fan attendance is only high when the team is on a winning streak. Way to be loyal assholes. With no one actually being originally from the state of Arizona I guess that makes sense. We all love football right?
If my choices were watching the stupid Cardinals or not watch any football I guess I’d watch if it was supposed to be a good game. I really have no good insults for Cardinals fans, I really don’t know any but any team that was concluded as having the largest number of band wagon jumpers in the NFL must be liked by a bunch of douche bags.
San Francisco 49ers
You guys win the prize for biggest baddest assholes out of all the fan bases. It’s because of assholes like you that the NFL started the mandatory NFL fan conduct classes. If you are arrested or ejected from an NFL stadium, which happens quite regularly at Levi Stadium in Santa Clara, California home of the 49ers, you are required to pay to take an online class that teaches you how to be a good little fan and not get drunk and beat the shit out of each other.
It seems every case of overly violent fan brawls lately comes out of Santa Clara. This is the stadium where recently four fans repeatedly beat and kicked a guy when he was down for wearing a Vikings jersey and also where a restroom brawl ended in permanent brain damage for a fan. Santa Clara police make an average of between 22-30 arrests each and every 49ers game and have responded to 24 reported assaults at the stadium, considering how new Levi Stadium is that’s pretty excessive.
The violence is so out of hand, the city council has been considering halting alcohol sales early, missing out on a ton of revenue, in order to help stop it. It’s pretty sad really, 49ers fans used to be the wine and cheese crowd, gentlemen with very tasteful wardrobes and a flair for home decorating. Now that the team has moved out of the beautiful bay area and into the ghetto it’s a whole different crowd.
The classic 49ers fans are disappearing, I believe they fell into a hot tub time machine and have mentally gone to a place where Colin Kapernick is replaced by Joe Montana and they can talk about their dusty ass Super Bowl rings in peace away from that very uncool violence of the present day. The coaching staff seems to be caught in that same time loop because they have forgotten that Kaep is a mobile quarterback and insist on calling plays better suited to the old legend Montana and like to pretend they have an offensive line worth a shit.
Kaepernick and I have a bit of a history, a sexual history. Whenever I’m feeling desperate I put him into my fantasy lineup and he fucks me. Oh yeah baby, he fucks me hard. Violent thug or past living liberal, 49ers fans are a bunch of douche bags, except for Geoff because he signs my paycheck for writing these offensive pieces of literary genius I share with you, so yeah, Geoff, you’re cool, go niners!
Seattle Seahawks
My BFFF (best fuckin’ friend forever) is actually a Seahawks fan, I guess not even my favorite people are without flaws. To be fair, he’s one of the few that actually liked the team before they won shit, but hey, he’s lived in the area so he’s at least not a band wagon douche.
How these guys actually managed to win the Super Bowl I don’t know. We’re talking about one of the dumbest coaches around! People still can’t get over Pete Carroll and his oh so brilliant decision to throw an interception in the last minutes of the last Super Bowl costing them the game. Why he wouldn’t let Marshawn Lynch run the ball with a time out left no one will ever fully understand. Pete Carroll’s cover of that Afroman song: I was going to win the Super Bowl, but then I got high. Should have run the ball with Lynch but then I got hiiiiiiigh. Now my team is losing games and I know why, because I got high, because I got high, because I got high.
I’m sure Bill Belichick paid him off or something. With all the hype surrounding Lynch after his brilliant performance at media day, “I’m just here so I wont get fined,” you’d think Carroll would have realized that Lynch winning them the game was destiny or something. On top of that dumb ass move, the Seahawks picked up receiving tight end extraordinaire Jimmy Graham. Now with the exception of Gronk on the Patriots there isn’t a single active tight end I’d rather see catching balls than Graham, but yet they don’t throw to him! Instead they use him as a blocker, which he pretty much sucks at. Jimmy Graham could have been what they needed to make Russell Wilson not look like a loser but no, we will not be seeing the famous goal post dunks in Seattle.
I fucking hate Russell Wilson. I don’t know why, I just hate his fucking face. Over rated piece of shit that thinks he’s God’s gift to sports with that whole baseball shit too. You know what they say though, jack of all trades, master of none. History will not remember Russell Wilson among the greats of the position, he just happens to have had a decent team around him making him successful. Everyone knows the star of the Seahawks is the Legion of Boom. I’m a defensive kinda girl and I admit, it’s a great group of dudes to watch, well when they aren’t holding out for more money that is.
This team is very close to collapsing with all the negative shit that’s been going on. The 12th man they are so proud of will start decreasing in size as they lose more and more games. Fans will start jumping off the bandwagon faster than the basic white bitches of Seattle jump into line for their Starbucks pumpkin spice lattes. Nothing but sheep douche bags.
St. Louis Rams
Does anyone even care? These guys might be moving to Los Angeles, but yet no one gives a shit. Now as much as I enjoy calling Tony Romo a homo, cuz it’s fun and rhymes, in the real world I’m a huge supporter of gay rights. Some of my closest friends are gay men, when you’re a fabulous, attractive, and creative woman, it’s pretty standard to have a crew of gay men to appreciate your style and beauty and to let loose and sing Britney Spears with knowing that they aren’t going to be trying to get in your adorable retro flare jeans.
Anyway, so Michael Sam. After being drafted by the Rams, Sam was a huge success in the preseason, he recorded 11 tackles and 3 sacks and played in a way that should have made the team excited about their new rookie pickup. This kid had all the makings of a defensive star in the NFL and had a very impressive college career behind him. Instead of making the roster, Michael Sam had previously come out of the closet as the first openly gay NFL player and was cut from the team and not even signed to their practice squad. Now there have been several retired NFL players that have come out of the closet after their careers have ended. I bet if you went back and asked their former teammates if there was ever any incidents in the locker room they’d all say they were just one of the guys.
The fact that Michael Sam exhibited talent just as good if not better than other guys that made the roster tells me that this was discrimination. People can deny it all they want, but I call that bull shit. How many other players in the NFL and in college are now going to stay in the closet after seeing what happened with Michael Sam? This is supposed to be a country free from discrimination. We recently gave gays the right to legally marry, but yet we still see shit like this and I bet at least a few of you guys reading this used the F word in their head after I mentioned Michael Sam, no, not fuck, I’m talking about faggot, that’s such an ugly cacophonous word.
In a manly man world, homophobia runs high. They say we hate things and show anger towards them when they resonate with us, perhaps some of you should look a little deeper into your subconscious. I envision a world where players are free from the bigotry of the St. Louis Rams and people like Odell Beckham Jr are free to come out of the closet as well. My gaydar is spot on, I know he plays for the dudes that like dudes team, just wait a few years, he’ll come out. Thanks to the bigotry of the Rams, you guys that are fans are all a bunch of douches.
NFC East
Washington Redskins
Now, being the Eagles fan that I am, I have the most experience dealing with fans from this division, so I know a lot of you fucks personally. When it comes to Redskins fans the first word that comes to mind is THIRSTY. You guys are some of the most sexually deprived people I have ever met. I get hit on constantly and shamelessly by fans of the Redskins. They don’t care that I’m an Eagles fan, they just see a hot chick and go for it, I guess none of their female fans are hot or something. It’s obnoxious, I need to constantly block my messaging apps because that shit seriously goes off constantly no matter how much I ignore, ignore, ignore.
The team is also thirsty to do something other than suck. These guys are the jokes of the division. They are always quick to point out that my team has no Super Bowl victories, and that is true, but at least we’ve had more than just 3 winning seasons in this century. At least we didn’t stand behind a dude like RGKnee for so long that now we’re stuck with a loser like Kirk Cousins because everyone finally realized RG3&out can’t play anymore.
I’m all for arrogance, but if you want to talk, you need to be able to back it up. Every time Robert Griffin the 3rd string opens his mouth, I’m laughing. The guy is a joke. He reminds me of the fan base. Lots of tough talk but never able to do anything but run their mouths. Speaking of running off at the mouth. Anyone else find it utterly hilarious that DeSean Jackson told the world that no one could block him only to be taken down by an inanimate blocking sled? Karma is a bitch DJax.
Then there is the whole name fiasco. In our nation’s capital, a nation that was created by first slaughtering all the indigenous people, who are disrespectfully called redskinned, we have a team that commemorates that violent and bloody history. I guess violent is fitting considering the crime rate in DC is pretty bad. You would think with all the corruption in Washington some politician would have paid off officials to get the team a decent season. Maybe they’ve tried and the deadskins just suck so much that not even bribery could help them.
Then there is that whole HTTR shit. Hail to the Redskins. You know who else liked to be hailed? Adolph Hitler, fan of genocide. You know how much I love the fun facts, so here’s one for you: There was a group that did a study on the literary smarts of NFL fans. They took comments made by fans on various fan websites and counted the number of spelling and grammar mistakes. Well Redskins fans, you win the prize for the most illiterate fans in the NFL. Per 100 words, Skins fans made 16.5 mistakes, this makes you considerably more dumb than the second dumbest fans, the Saints with 12.4. In case you’re curious, the smartest fans are Lions (this surprised me), Packers, and Eagles (as if you didn’t already know) all hovering at around 5 mistakes per 100 words.
You guys are a fun lot to party with though. I recently had the pleasure of going to a big gathering of NFC East football fans at the National Harbor near DC and got to go to a fun after party at the home of a Skins fan. Great guy, kept feeding me shots and drinks all night long. The skins fans can hold their liquor, drank me and the Giants girls under the table. I appreciate the hospitality but you guys are still a bunch of thirsty douche bags.
New York Giants
Eli Manning the quarterback with the dumbest, ugliest face in NFL history. You’ve seen all his stupid sideline faces, they’re awful and make for great internet memes. I still can’t get over the shit with Eli in the draft and refusing to go to the Chargers. No matter what team ended up with Eli, I’d have hated him.
In 2013, Eli threw 27 interceptions versus 18 touchdowns, and yet you dumb fans still called him an elite quarterback. Denial is a funny thing. Since we’re talking about history, cute joke: Antonio Pierce asked a bunch of Giants if they wanted a ride to the club. Plaxico Burress yells out, “I’ve got shotgun!” Oh Plaxico, you dumb bastard. On top of accidentally shooting himself, Burress has been sued 9 times for being an asshole.
While we’re talking about dumb ass moves by Giants players, we can’t forget about good old Jason Pierre-Paul. Despite all the warnings you hear all over TV and radio around July 4th and the warnings on the packages, JPP managed to explode parts of his hand off with a firework. I saw pictures, that shit was nasty. I guess they don’t do intelligence tests on players they are looking to pick up on the Giants. You guys do have OBJ to be happy about, at least that’s something. You guys keep losing your receiving targets to some awful injuries, but looks like OBJ is the real deal and should be around awhile, if he can keep from getting hurt while prancing around like a diva in the end zone. He’s also a pretty emotional guy, he cries after victories.
In terms of fan bases that I can connect the best with, I give it to the Giants fans. We can all get along and hate on the Cowboys fans together, we also get to make fun of the permanent basement dwelling of the Redskins. These guys are pretty realistic, they know when their team sucks and what it needs to do to improve. I’d even say they are the second most football smart fan base in the division which tells me we aren’t dealing with bandwagon fans here.
Although you don’t have to deal with football ignorance with Giants fans, you do have to deal with the ignorance of New Yorkers. I’m not sure if they are all Italian or just think they’re supposed to be because they are from New York. The tough guy talk and love of pasta gets pretty old pretty quick. It is that more than anything that makes fans of the New York Giants douches.
Dallas Cowboys
I don’t even know where to start here. Dem Boys just plain give football a bad name. Let’s take it from the top. Jerry Jones, position: owner. This guy is the definition of corrupt business man. When he found out that presidential candidate, New Jersey governor, and life long douche bag Chris Christie was a fan of the team, Jones wasted no time introducing himself and inviting Christie to party Texas style. I know Jerry Jones is rich but Christie is so fat, I’m not sure how even he could afford to feed him, maybe that’s why Jersey taxes are so high, they need to feed Christie. Jones used this new-found friendship to win a bid on a project at the new World Trade Center building, a contract which Christie had a hand in deciding who won. Surprise Surprise, Jones got it.
Let’s look at some of the less than savory characters that Jerry Jones has playing on his team. In no particular order. Josh Brent, position: nose tackle. Before Brent was even picked up by the Cowboys in 2010 he pleaded guilty to DUI. In 2012, the first year he started for the Cowboys, Brent once again drove under the influence. This time instead of just legal trouble he flipped his car and ended up killing his teammate Jerry Brown. Brent was found guilty of intoxication manslaughter. After serving his time, he failed two drug tests which were part of his probation. Believe it or not, they still wanted him on the team after serving his time. Brent ended up retiring earlier this year.
- Greg Hardy, position: defensive end. We all know the story, Hardy beat the shit out of his girlfriend and threatened her with loaded assault rifles. This all happened before the Cowboys picked him up, yet they still wanted him.
- Randy Gregory, position: defensive end. This guy failed the drug test at the scouting combine before the Cowboys drafted him. So yeah, they knowingly drafted a pot head.
- La’el Collins, position: guard. Ok, so there is no evidence that Collins was involved in the shooting that killed a pregnant chick he used to bang, but hey, the cops still wanted to talk to him and the Cowboys still wanted a guy with that kind of information on their team.
- Dez Bryant, position: injured, fragile prima donna. The guy beat up his crack whore mother. I guess if my mother was a crack whore I’d want to beat her up too. There is still the video that shows Bryant beating the shit out of another woman in the Wal-Mart parking lot, you can check that out HERE. Brutal right?
- Joseph Randle, position: wannabe DeMarco Murray. This dude was arrested for both pot and shoplifting. The fun part is he stole underwear. Damn it’s sad when a football player can’t even afford to buy his own panties, you gotta stop spending those paychecks on pot dude!
If you still like the Cowboys even after knowing how many scumbag players are on the team, the bandwagon must be strong with you. I know a lot of Cowboys fans and not a single one of them has ever lived in Dallas or have had family that has lived in Dallas, I mean seriously, what the fuck. The nineties are over, the team sucks now. I think the Cowboys just became the team that bandwagon fans gravitate towards. Bandwagon fans are like sheep, they must follow other sheep and this game of follow the douche has been going on since back in the nineties.
Will it ever stop? Yo I don’t know, turn off the lights, and I’ll glow. To the extreme I rock a mic like a vandal, light up the stage wax a chump like a candle.
If you can’t name what song that was from, you’re too young to be able to remember the last time the Cowboys didn’t suck. It makes you too young to remember the five rings you constantly go on and on about. You’re too young to remember football being fun before there were too many rules and they took away excessive celebration. The way you guys whine about everything you’re a bunch of fucking babies. Excuse after excuse every time you lose. You’re probably too young to be reading the word douche, so I’m going to call you a poop head even though we all know that poop head is baby talk for douche.
Philadelphia Eagles
You’re all thinking it. I know you are, you’re thinking I’m gonna talk all about Santa and snowballs and booing and the court-house in the Vet. You know what, fuck that, that shit has been done to death. We Eagles fans get a bad rep. We’re used to it. Does that make us douche bags? I for one don’t consider myself a douche. I’m actually a pretty awesome person, I’m hot, I’m intelligent, and I’m quite humble.
I also know my mother fucking football. I know my team. No matter how much I defend us, I know reality. We kinda suck this year. Yeah, I know we don’t have any rings, but you know what? I don’t fucking care. I’ve seen my team go to the NFC championship game more than any other team in the division this century. I’ve seen us have legends on the field. I’ve ridden the ups and down and bought the jerseys. I even tattooed the logo on my wrist, well I didn’t my tattoo artist did the actual tattooing but it’s on my wrist and I selected the logo. I did this because no matter what the outcome, watching the Eagles play is the best part of my year. No other time do I feel as alive as when I’m watching them play.
Every team has bad players, bad calls, bad coaching staff, and so forth in their team history if they are a fan for a long enough time. Sticking with them and the rest of the loyal fans is what separates true fans from true douches. I’m forever an optimist, I know my team will bring me the glory of a Super Bowl and I always believe it will happen soon. Eagles fans are a passionate bunch and I couldn’t imagine interacting with any other group of NFL fans. I can see how to some on the outside we may seem like we are douches, but I assure you, we are not. Stand proud Eagles Nation, you are the only team immune to my venomous typing. I love you guys.
I hope you enjoyed my series on why your NFL team makes you a douche, actually I really don’t give a shit if you enjoyed it or not, if you’re reading this you still read the entire article so that means I get paid. Now that both parts of the series are done, reach out to me! Let me know, did I miss any douche worthy facts about any of the teams? Tell me why you think your rival fans are total douche bags.
Catch me on Twitter @kellieruttar or on Facebook Kellie Ruttar TSJ. You can catch my latest articles of a more professional nature on thasportsjunkies101.com. Keep it locked to goingfor2.com for all your fantasy needs and to see my latest rants!
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