How the QBs of the NFL (Hypothetically) Stack Up as Dads: A Father’s Day Analysis
Happy Father’s Day, everyone! I thought it would be a fun thought experiment to put some quarterbacks in the league into categories based on what kind of dad I think they would be based on (not) hard, (nonexistent) empirical evidence. Enjoy.
Fun Dads
Some dads are just fun to be around. Patrick Mahomes’s Kermit the Frog impressions are always on point. He’s quick to pour ketchup on any food and he makes sure that Uncle Jackson teaches you all of the newest dances. Joe Burrow is the chill cool dad, though he’s always very careful not to leave you behind on the family vacation to Paris at Christmas because of his own childhood trauma. Josh Allen will play video games with you for hours on end and then feed you macaroni and hotdogs for dinner or order Little Caesar’s pizza. It’s fun to have Jimmy Garoppolo as your dad because all of the girls want to hang out with you after school, until they spend the whole afternoon ignoring you and laughing at your dad’s jokes.
Smart Dads
Nerds make great dads, but their academic expectations can be pretty high. Justin Herbert and Mac Jones sit with you for hours helping with homework and making sure you get a 4.0 so you can grow up to be a doctor or lawyer.
Embarrassing Dads
Nobody can embarrass you quite like your dad. You have to constantly ask Drew Lock and Derek Carr to stop their rap battles. Russell Wilson adopts a family dog and names it something corny like Bronco. Kenny Pickett waxes poetic about how one day you’ll grow into his football gloves, but you don’t have the heart to tell him they haven’t fit in years. Carson Wentz lets you invite your friends over for slumber parties every weekend, but then he wakes you up early and takes you and your friends to church. Sam Darnold loves playing catch with you on the weekends, but is quick to blame you when an errant throw inevitably goes through a neighbor’s window.
You’d Honestly Rather Hang Out with Your Mom…
You’re already tired of Aaron Rodgers waving his COVID toe in your face at the dinner table. Lamar Jackson promises to earn his dad of the year mug by making the best dinner, but then microwaves your poptart too long. Deshaun Watson has too many appointments to ever spend time with you. Tom Brady promises to spend time with you now that he retired but unretires a week later after realizing you’re a loser who will only ever tarnish the Brady name. It’s for the best, he had the worst snacks anyway.
Which quarterback would you want to be your dad? Who did I forget? Let me know on Twitter @mellamomoron
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