The day is here! The minefield of “adult responsibility” has been navigated, the kids are in bed, and dinner is dashing your way from your wife’s most acceptable sports bar. Everyone but Troy (sorry Troy) settles in with a caffeine-infused adult craft beverage, and Roger Goodell takes the stage to the familiar chorus of boos. It’s NFL Draft night! The Jaguars are on the clock, and the complaints are rolling in about taking 15 minutes on a pick decided in November.
PICK 1: TRADE!: SAN FRANCISCO TRADES PICK 3 AND GEORGE KITTLE FOR PICK 1: Trevor Lawrence, Quarterback, Clemson
Live cut to Kyle Shannahan (probably): “Trevor Lawrence was a player we had targeted early on in the process. He’s an excellent prospect, and we are happy to add him to our team. We still believe in Jimmy. We are going to give them a chance to battle it out.”
Twitter:
PICK 2: New York Jets – Zach Wilson, Quarterback, BYU
Robert Saleh (I assume): Stares frozen into space, tossing a crumpled post-it into the trash. The camera zooms, and the note reads, “Zach Wilson No Matter What -Kyle.” “But Kyle said no matter what,” is inaudibly mumbled off-screen.
PICK 3: Jacksonville Jaguars – Justin Fields, Quarterback, Ohio State
Urban Meyer (most likely): The camera comes up from behind Urban standing in TIAA Bank Field as we see an assistant hand Urban a note. Urban: “So it’s done?” Assistant: “Yes” Urban: “Excellent.” The TIAA Bank Field pool drains and splits, revealing a helicopter. Urban jumps in and flies off as credits roll and the “Top Gun Anthem” blares set against the Florida sunset. Assistant: “But coach, we have another 1st”. Cut to black.
PICK 4: TRADE! BEARS TRADE 4 1ST ROUND PICKS FOR PICK 4: Trey Lance, Quarterback, North Dakota State
Bears Twitter: THE BEARS HAVE THEIR MAHOMES!
Andy Dalton (maybe): Dalton sits surrounded by candles in a dark room drinking a dark red liquid. “We shall see.” A voodoo doll with a pin in the ankle wearing a Dallas Cowboys number 4 jersey sits in the corner.
PICK 5: Cincinnati Bengals – Ja’Marr Chase, Wide Receiver, LSU
Joe Burrow (hypothetically): Inside a penthouse hotel, cigar smoke looms thick. Phone rings. Burrow: “You got him? Good. Now, where are my M&Ms (only green) and cucumber seltzer with the bubbles removed? Also, are you sure you reserved the whole Chuck ‘E Cheese? I’m not waiting on a gaggle of 8-year-olds when it’s pop-a-shot time.”
Pick 6: Miami Dolphins – Kyle Pitts, Tight End, Florida
Brian Flores (supposedly): “Can you get me Tua?” Assistant: “It’s still nap time” Flores: “Get Carolina on the phone, see if we can bring Bridgewater in to finish this call.”
Pick 7: Detroit Lions – Rashawn Slater, Tackle, Northwestern
ESPN CUTS TO COMMERCIAL FOR 10 MINTUES
Coverage resumes. Mel Kiper (almost surely): “Look, you’ve got Penei Sewell the big left tackle out of Oregon, a physical kid, a prototype left tackle sitting at number 2 on my big board. In comes a franchise like Detroit. They like the Midwestern kid. Rugged tackled out of Northwestern. Slater can play both sides of the line. Yet Detroit does not take the kid I have higher. Not listening to my big board is how these teams continue to pick in the top 10”.
Mike Greenberg (most definitely): “I’m just thrilled we have a Northwestern player in the top 10, now let’s hear from the new Lion.” ESPN never actually goes to an interview of Slater or mentions the Lions again.
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Pick 8: Carolina Panthers – Penei Sewell, Tackle, Oregon
ESPN cuts to a prepared Sam Darnold package. Sewell strides across the stage, picking up and hugging Goodell. A look of horror stretches across Goddell’s face. Mike Greenberg: “Look, I’m happy for Sam Darnold getting a new opportunity, but it was time for the Jets to move on to Wilson.” ESPN does not mention or show Sewell again.
Pick 9: Denver Broncos – Najee Harris, Running Back, Alabama
Twitter:
Also Twitter:
Pick 10: Dallas Cowboys – Patrick Surtain Jr, Cornerback, Alabama
A corner. No one cares. Not even IDP Twitter.
Cut to ESPN Green Room. The camera focuses on Mac Jones, head in his hands. Phone rings, on the other end:
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