Why I Hate the NFL Draft 2016 Edition

Well, it’s that time of year again, it’s draft day my dear reader and you know what, I still hate it.  Why, you might be asking, and to answer that I’d say “you’re new here aren’t you?”  Well, sit back relax and as usual don’t take this completely seriously, I don’t mean it completely literally, but this is why I Hate The NFL Draft 2016 Edition.

Three Day Event:  The NFL likes to dominate all your life and many of you, well probably all of you reading this, are dumb enough to oblige them.  In spite of all the black eyes the NFL has suffered over that last few years, you know not really punishing players for beating the ever loving shit out of women, suspending players for weed yet turning a blind eye to rampant alcoholism, ignoring former players who’s brains have been turned to mush for the league who are killing other people and themselves (whoa, hey, what if OJ going fucking insane has something to do with CTE?), not to mention Cam’s attire at post game press conferences, seriously Cam, even the late great Prince thinks you’re a little too flamboyant.

Anyways, this three-day bullshit is just the fucking worst.  For one, there is Stanley Cup Hockey on tonight (Caps vs Penguins, fuck you, Sidney Crosby, I hope John Carlson puts you through the fucking boards tonight), two we just get the first round, talk about a fucking cock tease that will leave all of us with blue balls.  Seriously the first round of the NFL Draft is like you’re on the couch with a woman she reaches down your pants starts jerking you off and right as you’re about to climax she stops and says “we’ll finish on Sunday,”  Bitch it’s fucking Thursday night, do you realize what you’ve done, blue balls is no laughing matter!  Anyways, most savvy fans know who the first two rounds usually play out.  Most mock drafts from people who know what the fuck they’re talking about are pretty close (side note you won’t find any on this site.  Aside from me everyone else here is a laughable amateur) so Thursday night is just well, meh.  It’s the later rounds that really offer up intrigue.  Also, what about those sure-fire first round picks who drop to the 2nd or 3rd rounds?  We get to watch them suffer over multiple days… um well, that’s actually pretty cool.  Nothing like watching a guy who’s had his ass kissed for 15 years get a nice smack of reality to the face.

JETS Fans:  I touched on this last year, but Jets fans you’re the fucking worst and the reason the Draft travels now and isn’t at Radio City Music Hall, fuck you Jets fans, fuck you straight to hell.

Over Hyped:  The draft has become such a hype machine for “saving teams” that it puts too much pressure on first and second round picks, especially quarterbacks.  Two teams (The Rams and Eagles) both mortgaged their futures on moving up to the one and two picks of the draft and are presumably going to take quarterbacks.  Granted whoever the Rams take, he’ll be okay, sure the national media will crucify him if he sucks (and he will, it’s the Rams) but LA won’t give a shit.  The Rams are not the Lakers, Dodgers, USC, UCLA or even the fucking Clippers.  So he’ll get a pass locally, so he’ll probably be alright.

However, that poor fucker who gets drafted by the Eagles is so fucked.  He’s not going to be successful and those monstrous moronic Eagles fans are going to eat this young man alive.  Also, did you know only 6 quarterbacks since 1967 that were taken in the first round are Hall of Famers, and three of them were taken in 1983, so good luck LA and Philly, you’re fucked for the next five to ten years.

The Hug With the Ginger Hammer: Rodger Goodell is probably the most hated man in America.  I think Republicans and Democrats could agree on this… maybe, but I do know that the NFLPA hates him quite a bit, just ask Tom Brady, so to see these newly drafted players walk up on stage and hug this man like he’s their long-lost father is so fucking hokey and fake that it’s just dumb, especially when you know in less than a month they’ll hate his guts.  How about just an old school handshake, the hug is a bit much.

People Take Off Work:  Believe or not (well you’re on a sports gambling site so you’re probably one of these fucks) people take off work for this shit.  Seriously?  It would be one thing if you worked a night job or retail that you might take a Thursday and/or Friday night but if you’re working a 9-5 then why the fuck are you taking these days off?  No idea but get a fucking life.  If I were your boss I’d fire your ass in a heartbeat.  “Mr. McCain, I need Thursday and Friday off.” Me: “Why?”  Employee: “The NFL Draft.”  Me: “Sure, you can have that day off, as well as the whole next week and next ten years, you’re fired, get the fuck out of here and get a life.”

So that’s my updated Why I Hate The NFL Draft 2016 Edition, you can disagree with me all you like but you’re wrong and I hate you.  For more check out last year’s list by clicking here, also don’t forget to check out my site (which is way better) by clicking here, and my YouTube channel chalked full of fun shit.

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