What Your 1st-Round Fantasy Pick Says About You

In this hyper-sensitive world, I felt obligated to start this off with a disclaimer. These are all done tongue-in-cheek. This is all in good fun, and if this article offends you in any way…f*ck you, get a sense of humor.

And now…

What Your 1st-Round Fantasy Pick Says About You

RB Christian McCaffrey (CAR)

You are a Basic Bitch

Taking Christian McCaffrey is what everyone is doing. You’re not special, you don’t stand out. In fact, you do the opposite of stand out, you blend in. You are the most basic of basic bitches. You probably drive a Toyota Corolla while listening to American Top 40 with Ryan Seacrest, on your way to your 9-to-5 job where you sit in a cubicle and your boss calls you by your last name, which is probably something super basic like Johnson.

“Johnson, I want that report on my desk by the end of the day!”

Yep, that’s you, you basic bitch.

RB Dalvin Cook (MIN)

You are the Degenerate Gambler

You are a risk-taker, but you aren’t the type of risk-taker that your friends call a “Degenerate Gambler” in a jokingly affectionate way. No, you don’t even have friends. You are the type of gambler that steals money from their mom to bet on a long-shot horse because some seedy person at a random bar gave you a tip. You’re the kind of gambler that shows up to work in the same clothes he wore the day before because you spent all night at the casino betting on red. You likely bet on the Hall of Fame preseason game. Yeah, taking Dalvin Cook is a huge gamble, but you’re going to bet the house on him. Literally.

RB Derrick Henry (TEN)

You have a Napoleon Complex

Derrick Henry is a man among boys and drafting him is your way of compensating for your small stature. You’ve been picked on and bullied your whole life because you’re short. You are the last person to know when it’s raining. You aren’t allowed to ride the rollercoasters at amusement parks. You can swing your feet at the dinner table. But, you can draft Derrick Henry and feel like your 6-foot-4 250 pounds every Sunday while he stiff-arms guys to the ground like rag dolls. For once in your life, you can look down on someone — your league mates.

RB Alvin Kamara (NO)

You are The 12-Man

No, I don’t mean you’re a Seattle Seahawks fan. No, it’s worse, much worse. You are the 12th man as in the 12th person added to the league. You were only invited because you can’t have a league with only 11 people, you need the 12th-man. You are the guy/gal that was asked to join strictly because there was no one else — even though you don’t really know much about football and you definitely know nothing about fantasy football

You’re socially awkward and only agreed to join the league because you wanted to feel included for once in your life. By taking Alvin Kamara, it’s obvious that you googled, “who was the top fantasy player in 2020?” Of course, Alvin Karma’s name popped up, and it was all too easy to draft him in the 1st round, and now you feel like you really know what you’re doing. Good luck 12th-man, there are 15 more rounds to go.

RB Ezekiel Elliott (DAL)

You are The Douchebag

If you draft Zeke in the first round there is an 80 percent chance you are a Cowboys fan. And if you are a Cowboys fan, there is an 80 percent chance you’re a douchebag. I’m not saying that all Cowboys fans are douchebags, I’m sure the Cowboys fans that actually live in and around Dallas are probably pretty okay, but I’ve never been to Dallas and I’ve never met a Cowboys fan from Dallas. But, I have met Dallas fans from elsewhere, and eight out of 10 of them are, well, douchebags.

RB Nick Chubb (CLE)

You are The Fantasy Advice Guy/Gal

Chubb is the fantasy advice guys/gals wet dream. There are so many metrics that point to Chubb being the best running back in the league, “if only he got the passing down work.” Most yards after contact, most broken tackles, most elusive, highest yards per carry in the 4th quarter, most ‘yards created’, the list goes on-and-on-and-on like a Matthew Berry intro to his weekly Love/Hate column.

If you draft Nick Chubb in the first round, you are probably that annoying guy in every league that has way too many stats that no one cares about like, “Did you know that Nick Chubb leads all running backs in total yards in the 2nd quarter of road games in outdoor stadiums? And he plays in 7 outdoor road stadiums this year! BOOM”…What… The… F*ck.

RB Saquan Barkley (NYG)

You are Easily Butt-Hurt

Barkley drafters get offended by everything. They get offended when someone mentions how Daniel Jones sucks and will hurt Barkley’s overall numbers. They get offended when someone mentions Kenny Golladay, or when someone calls Barkley injury prone. They get all bent out of shape when someone mentions how the Giants’ offensive line is terrible. Or, if someone points out the Giants won’t score enough points to put Barkley in the top 5 RB conversation.

Getting offended when someone shits your first-round pick is one thing, but it’s so much worse when you defend him in your whiny annoying voice. You better hope Barkley is ready for Week 1, otherwise, there is going to be a lot of shit-talking by your league-mates.

RB Jonathan Taylor (IND)

You are Completely Unprepared

Jonathan Taylor drafters are drafting him based on all the hype from his rookie season. They haven’t been paying attention and have no clue that Carson Wentz is hurt or that OL Quentin Nelson, maybe the best-run blocking offensive linemen in the league, is also out with the same injury as Wentz. They knew Jonathan Taylor was the most talked-about running back to end last season, and they show up to the draft thinking nothing has changed, they think Taylor is still the new hotness. They will also be the ones that draft Cam Akers in the 2nd-round and think they got a steal. Pay attention and do your homework next time.

WR Tyreek Hill (KC)

You are the Zero-RB Guy/Gal

There is always that one guy that drafts a wide receiver in the first round and shouts out, “Zero-RB, let’s do this!”

Let’s not.

Sure there is a time and place to draft Hill. Sure he is a top wide receiver with the potential to finish as the overall No. 1 WR. And, sure, he is worth a 1st round pick, but make no mistake about it, you would be taking a running back over Hill if one had fallen to you. You don’t need to shout out “Zero-RB” to justify your selection — cause we all know that deep inside you’re pissed that Nick Chubb went one pick sooner. And one last thing, if you draft a running back in round 2, that’s not zero-RB you idiot.

WR Davante Adams (GB)

You are The Diva

Congratulations, you are the “princess” of the league. And no, I don’t mean the “Princess Anna” type of princess that climbs a frozen mountain, fights off giant snow beasts and takes ice to the heart for a sister she barely spoke to her entire life, nor do I mean the Mulan type princess that dressed up like a boy to fight in a war that her father was supposed to fight in, and ended up kicking all their asses. No. That’s not the type of princess you are. You’re the type of princess that has to be coddled, the type of princess that whines when she doesn’t get her way, the type that is just downright annoying for no damn reason. Yeah, that’s you.

WR Stefon Diggs (BUF)

You are an Asshole

We know, we know. You said Diggs was going to be better in Buffalo. And yes, we know, you drafted him really late last year when no one else believed in him. You’ve spent all of last season and all this offseason talking about it. However, you’re also the one that said N’Keal Harry was the best wide receiver to come out of college since Calvin Johnson, but you don’t want to talk about that, do you? Stop being an asshole already, you got one right, do we really need to hear about it for the next 4 years? Asshole.

WR Calvin Ridley (ATL)

People tell you, You Are Boring

Raise your hand if you did not own Calvin Ridley last year and you knew he was a top 5 wide receiver? Not me. He was the quietest top 5 wide receiver in the history of fantasy. Okay, maybe that’s going too far.

Drafting him is safe. If Ridley was a stock investment, he’d be the slow and steady type. He doesn’t have the flashy 200-yard games or the 3 TD performances. He is, well…boring. When you draft Calvin Ridley in the late first, no one is going to complain that you sniped them. No one goes into a draft and says, “I really want to land Calvin Ridley.” No one really puts Ridley in that elite category, even though the numbers say he is. Drafting him is the boring thing to do, making you the boring person in your league.

TE Travis Kelce (KC)

You Over-Analyze Everything in Your Life

The moment you draft Travis Kelce you start second-guessing yourself. It’s what you do. You dwell on every decision you’ve ever made. You seek advice from Facebook. You can’t make a decision on your own to save your life. You’ll post the same Sit/Start question on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Discord…anywhere you can be heard, and even when all the social media agree on who you should start, you still get up Sunday morning and call your local radio station with the fantasy guru on every week, and ask him the same question. Suck it up and make a damn decision already.

QB Patrick Mahomes (KC)

You Like Kickers in Fantasy

Oh, I loathe the kicker lovers. But why is the kicker lover also the Mahomes drafter? Because you have to draft Mahomes really early to get him in your one-QB home league. Likely first-round. And anyone drafting a QB that high in a one-QB league probably drafts kickers in the 8th round. Stop. Just stop. Please.

RB Joe Mixon (CIN)

You are an Idiot, but Proud of It

You’re an idiot. This has nothing to do with Mixon being a bad pick. You drafting Joe Mixon and being an idiot has no bearing on my thoughts of Joe Mixon as a player or my projections for his season. In fact, I think Joe Mixon can actually be a good pick this year. No, you’re an idiot for a much different reason, a more profound reason, a more scientific, more analytical reason.

When I first decided to write this article, I wrote down a bunch of player names that could be drafted in the 1st round. And, I also wrote down a lot of unfavorable types of people and personality traits. I went one by one and matched them up to create this list.

It was kinda like one of those activities when you were a kid, the ones where there are things in the left column and some other things in the right column, and you have to draw a line to the matching answer. There was always that one that you weren’t quite sure about, so you start doing the easy ones, the ones you knew for certain, and then, by process of elimination, you end up with the answer to the one you weren’t sure about.

Well, the first thing I wrote for my personality trait list was, “idiot”, and as I matched up players to the traits, I got down to the last player on my list, Joe Mixon, and “idiot” was the only trait left. So, after painstaking data analytics, you, Joe Mixon drafter, are the league idiot.