August is finally here and dear readers, and with that it brings with it the NFL training camp, aka the official, unofficial start of the Football year. This is big for your mindless NFL fans that love this stuff. They’re out there in their official $300 Nike Jersey sweating their fat asses off watching players do exciting things like stretching, and jogging, and playing catch, my oh my, just writing that sentence sent me into a football euphoria.
So in the words of former ESPN commentator Keith Olbermann “don’t take this completely seriously, I don’t mean it completely literally” but here is Why I Hate Training Camp (now that Olberman is gone from ESPN do I have to continue to credit him for that quote, can I just steal it outright and hope no one notices, I’ll have to ponder this dear reader).
Over Emphasis: If there is one thing that is certain every training camp it’s that everyone, and I fucking mean everyone, will be over emphasizing something about a team or a player. I’m in the DC area so right now everyone is talking about how Washington Redskins coach Jay Gruden is saying that Robert Griffin III is making “progress” and taking “great strides” at quarterback. Well I fucking hope so, this is his fourth fucking year in the league at that position, I’d hope he’d start looking like one at this point. This has undoubtedly filled the fan base with false hope that will surely be crushed (like RG3’s Knee) by week four of the regular season. But this isn’t a DC problem it runs rampant throughout the league, be it local yocals on the radio, or the national press like the morons at the four letter, or the slightly less dimwitted folks over at the NFL Network, especially NFL AM, holy shit is that the worst. You take the worst aspects of a network morning show and combine it with the charisma-lacking former NFL players and you have something that is unwatchable.
Anyways, to quote Allen Iverson, “we’re talking about practice” that’s it, that’s all training camp is. It’s a warm up to get these guys back in football shape after a winter of doing blow and banging –or in some player’s cases — beating up hookers. These guys have gotten fat and lazy and they need this to get back in “football” shape (whatever the fuck that is) and besides they’re not in pads, they’re running drills to minimize injury (unless you’re Arian Fosters’ groin, you’re fucked Houston). With that said and zero trips to Richmond to see the Skins’ camp, my assessment of Gruden’s comments is that Griffin’s “progress” is that he’s no longer tripping over the center’s foot while dropping back (key to any play caller’s success) and that he’s only taking a three step drop now before taking a sack instead of nine. PROGRESS!
Reporters at Every Camp: ESPN and the NFL Network have reporters at every camp and watching these practices and “reporting” on… well, uh, nothing really. They just report back on what fluff the coaches and players say at press conferences “we’re looking really good out there…” “this is going to be a great season…” “everyone is making strides and buying in…” That can be heard at every camp said by every coach and player. And poor Britt McHenry, she left the local DC news to go work in Bristol at ESPN and what do they do, send her ass back to DC to cover this shit-hole of a franchise, I’m pretty sure she left the area so she wouldn’t have to do that anymore. And also fuck all of you for picking on her for that video of her berating a towing company employee. Have you ever had to deal with a towing company? They are quite literally the worst people in the world. They’re obnoxious, most of them tow cars without proper permission and illegally, and when you talk to them they’re full of attitude and contempt.
Seriously go watch one of those towing and repo’ing shows on… A&E and TLC… wait, fuck didn’t those two channels used to contribute to society with educational and informative programming? Yeah we’re all going to hell now. Anyways, I digress, towing companies, they suck, their employees suck — proven by them posting that video of Britt when i guaren-fucking-tee that she wasn’t the worst person caught by their cameras — and they don’t care. I remember my tags were expiring and the DMV gave me a temporary tag to put in my window to prevent tickets and towing. I was parked in my private spot in front of my home and when I left for work there was a threat by the towing company on my windshield (right next to the very visible temporary tag) that they would tow my car the following night. I assure you the phone conversation I had with them made the Britt video seem like Mr. Rodger’s Neighborhood. Fuck towing companies, fuck them straight to hell.
Injuries: Even with the NFLPA actually doing something right during the last contract negotiation by getting practices to be far less brutal and with no contact and pads players (including high drafted rookies and stars) find a way to get hurt. You know why right? It’s because players are soft these days. Actually it’s probably not that, it’s probably because the season is too long, and mini camps start too soon. Seriously, these guys get barely any time off these days. The NFL is such a money making machine and can’t help but be on TV all the time. So they have these “voluntary” camps in the early spring, and god help a player who doesn’t show up for these “voluntary” camps, they are ostracized by the media and fans.
It’s Still Not The Regular Season: Honestly this is the only thing we care about, the 17 weeks of the regular season where we see these men play actual football. They’re on the field and they’re playing for something. Anyone who gets excited for training camp or the preseason is a junkie and they need help. They need rehab, like now. Anyone excited over practice and practice games that are played by guys who will soon be in the Arena League or CFL soon is a sad person who needs to discover a hobby, golf or video games maybe or read a fucking book you neanderthal.
The duldrums of July are now over, the NFL regular season is on the horizon and right now we can all take comfort in the delusion that our team hasn’t lost yet and that this year will be our year (though deep down we all know we’re going to suck). But my friends, this is why I hate Training Camp, you can disagree with me all you want but I you’re wrong and I hate you. However, if you’d like to know more about me, and why wouldn’t you, you can follow me on the Twitter @jomac006 or learn about my awesome writing career here https://www.facebook.com/fjoshuamccain?ref=hl , or if you’re a fine lady you should swipe right on Tinder.
Also, one last note, for those of you with a life outside of degenerate sports gambling, hop on over to my newly launched site www.clashofthenerds.com for your geeky goodness.
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